a total rant

im sure of it. and i feel strangely apathetic. but i know that its just to hide my pain. it hurts so bad when i bring it up. now, i know the true meaning of loveSICK. i feel like im going to vomit. but im not losing my breakfast. not yet. i feel weak, dizzy, and IM LISTENING TO SLOW, SAD LOVE SONGS! "i never had a dream...come...true... til the day that i...met...you..." im singing them. im not going to do any self injury. at least not physical. emotionally, im dead from all the injury ive taken. all i can feel is pain, i dont know what im going to tell keaton if he asks if im ok. im confused, for six days, i was almost convinced he liked me back. but last night i was shattered. from the very beginning. when me and keaton werre talking about sadie dancing with brandon, but then, vicky turns around, asks whats going on and when i point to brandon, and say hes dancing with sadie, she thought i pointed to keaton, then says "no keaton is dancing with ME no question." i hate her, who is she that she can control his life(and mine) like that? i mean, he was following her around like a lovesstruck puppydog. and thats a friggen understatement, and to answer meggy-chan and sa-chans obvious question: did i get sleep last night? no, i didnt. i was awake all night last night. i could hardly close my eyes for anything other than blinking. id always come up with an image of them hugging, then him getting left behind while she goes with another guy! i love him, i want him to know. but until she leaves, i have no chance. i wont even bother. not until shes gone, because then, he acts normally. if keaton holds the march party, i hope she doesnt come, but its obvious he will. he likes her. not me. and thse are the hardest words i can say right now.
he.
likes.
her.
i can easily say i love keaton. because i do, and i know it. im sorry to disprove everyones idea that he likes me, but he doesnt he really likes her. no mater how much she hurts him, its good that hes loyal, but she doesnt deserve it. but then again, im not allowed to badmouth her, beat her up, and my friends cant either. hell hate all of us. you know, when she isnt around, hes a really sweet guy, lots of peaple wouldnt say it, but ge is really nice to me. but when SHE comes around(literally, shes had a lot of boyfriends. shes a player.) or she is mentioned, he gets all defensive. what i feel when i see her? or hear about her? i want to hit her, i want to slap her, swear at her. tell her that if this is what she lives for, she is pretty pathetic and should go curl up and die. but, if i do that, how am i any better than her, or the boy who picked on me for seven years?
I.
hate.
her.
But.
I
Love.
Him.
I feel worthless. You know mello from death note? Mad cause hes always second to near? thats how i feel with other girls. Vicky thinks were friends. i just dont have the guts to tell her i hate her. i know that if i tell her, than shell tell her mom, her brother brandon will hear, and then he'll tell keaton. and hell wonder why, and ill let slip something slip, and hell avoid me. im scared. i hate having to keep a straight face, and be aware of everything i do, incase he finds out.i have to keep in everything. im a very emotional person, but as long as im around other peaple, i cant be me. i hate it. sometimes i want to scream. and i think it would do me some good. im so confused. im torn between my happiness, and his. i know that if im happy, he wont be, because shes what makes him happy right now. but soon, he'll be upset, because shell lead him on, and then he'll get let down. im upset now because he promised me he wouldnt go out with her. but, i think he thinks that its because i like making him upset. all i want is for him to be happy. sure, i want him to love me, it doesnt even matter if its not as much as i love him, as long as he loves me. its my dream. but if it makes him upset, it doesnt matter. my dreams dont matter anymore. if she makes him happy, it hurts really bad, but if she makes him happy, and then she hurts him, i feel like ill do anything to hurt her as much as it hurts me to watch him get upset. and it really hurts me to see him upset. im so confused, what should i do? its not the fun kind of love nymore. this is serious.

heres some songs(love songs. most are anime pairings)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSxIdwETAlc&NR=1 - dream come true(dnangel)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DyjrxIrJ6-s - all you wanted(death note)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u99ibyobsS0 - everything(buckcherry music video)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Izsia6Bs7T0 - walk through the fire and another couple songs (from buffy the vampire slayer - once more with feeling)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrGb3Fa2jBw - bleed it out(death note)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCsH89NFTDc - gomenasai(death note) SPOILERS!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1DSdFUutoM&feature=related - angels(dnangel)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-ncm2ZYDIk - bumblebee(fruits basket)

there you go. all the songs im listening to. the way i feel.