It begins again...

It's always goes the same way:

I start to feel good about setting goals, and then the next thing I know I'm getting all extremist about them! It's like I'm switching from my old, neurotic habits give up to a whole new, better-organised addiction. I start planning things out in minute detail- exactly how many grams of what I'm going to eat when, including how much protein and fat and no carbs, when and for how long I need to exercise, how much water I can drink...

Today I just feel agitated. I know I ate well under my daily calorie exertion, and yet, I still stress- what if I could have eaten less? I know I ate far too few kilojules to put on weight, in fact, I must have lost it, but I still ate an avocado (a fruit, no less!) and I stress because avocado has fat, even if it's the good kind and probably not as much as if I had eaten one regular meal today. And I freak out if I go one day without intensive exercise. All I did today was walk for a couple of hours; my legs are so tired from two hours of hiking yesterday. But I still feel so guilty. Everything reminds me of my failure. I hate it.

My boyfriend told me yesterday that he's worried about me, and that he even talked to his aikido sensei about me because he's that concerned. He said I can take meditation/self-hypnosis sessions with his sensei if I want, and that it has worked for some other ex-anorexic girls. I dunno... it seems strange, but after four years of trying to solve this myself I think I need to start accepting help.