The feeling of being wanted, is an odd one.
But the feeling of being needed is an even odder one.
Knowing that anything you say//do may affect the life of someone precious to you. The wrong word uttered, an inappropriate tone, even no answer at all.
There are indeed several people who I need to survive. I need them so much it's not funny. I monitor what they say, and I desperately try to ignore the scathing remarks, and the sarcastic comments.
But It's hard to. It's hard ignoring something uttered under the breathe, pretending like they don't want you to hear.
But that's the horrid thing. They want you to hear. It's like their picking a fight with you.
Do you want me to beat your head against that wall? All because I don't want to see a movie? I can hear you over the phone you know. I will walk to you house and we will have it all out. Heaven knows you would win.
I'd just like to get a few punches in. Make you feel the hurt that you made me feel for twelve long. painful years. I couldn't care less that you have a vagina, and I have a penis. I don't give a fuck whether Australia says NO. When someone does that to you, they deserve a few kicks to the crotch. Maybe even a few when their down. It's all relative.
And now we move to the even more controversial topic.
I'm a fucking hypocrite. I bitch and bitch and bitch, when lo and behold, I'm usually the one muttering the words under my breath. The difference? I don't want you to hear. I needed you, I fucking did. I wasn't about to pick a fight with you, because, yes, you would probably kill me. But just to get those few words out, gave me enough strength, enough courage to continue this hell hole of a friendship.
I only took your shit, because I only had you. I didn't have other friends, I didn't know anyone else. I went with you, I spent my money on you, because I didn't want to loose my only friend. I can't believe I subjected myself to that torture, that fucking nightmare. By the end of it, you were just so... so aggressive, if I said no to a movie with you, because I was being dragged to my aunty's house. Which you knew was happening. Don't get shitty with me because you're a fucking idiot.
"Wanna go see a movie?"
"Oh, hey, No sorry I can't."
"Why not?"
"I have my Aunties thingo tonight, you knew that."
"So, I forgot, change those plans."
"How, it's family."
"Fine, whatever, fuck off then."
You really were immature. Then one day I decided. It's fucking enough. I don't need to take this crap anymore. I'm sick of the hurtful words you utter, the fights you pick. The way you bitch about me.
I know about it all, all the things you said. You obviously knew that I did. Posting MySpace bulletins addressed to "Jack," who else? I ask you about them, you suddenly go off topic. Like it doesn't matter. Well guess what. It. Fucking. Does.
Subject: Dear Jack Butcher. (Who else?)
I don't like the fact that you cancel plans with me.
Leaving me around the city for 2 hours, letting me get sun burnt
Yours truly.
-
Honestly, who the fuck else are you talking about?
What did you want me to say? I'm sorry I have a family? I'm sorry I had to go their for my auntie's fucking birthday? I'm sorry I'm not your fucking lapdog? At your beck and call?
Look, I asked you to treat me slightly better, but guess what? You don't find anything wrong. Of course you fucking don't. You never do, do you? Everything is fucking peachy, with you.
Please, give me the medication you take to see such perfection.
Please, hand me the rose tinted glasses you use to not notice anything
Please, give me everything you got, so I can be like you.
I wonder what it must be like, to be so carefree, and perfect. Theres never anything wrong with you, is there? Except when I start complaining about something, then. Open the flood gates! Bring on the rush!
"Igor kept me back twenty minutes today, I'm too tired to do anything."
"Oh, stop fucking complaining On my first shifty, Duaa -"
"Yes, I know, Duaa kept you back an hour. I've heard it before. Sorry, I'm just too tired."
"Don't fucking interrupt me, do you how rude that is?"
"Oh, sorry."
"Now, get over here, I want to go to the movies."
"-, I just said I was too tired, I really can't. Tomorrow I have a day off, how about then?"
"No, I'll be too tired."
-hangs up-
Really mature. I'm sorry that I wasn't everything you wanted in a best friend. I'm just not submissive. Two aggressive types don't mix. Let's just leave it at that.
Now, when you start going behind my back, to my boss to try and get me fucking fired?
That's slightly too far. You talk about fucking rude? Well, there you go. I certainly won't miss the way you talk Igor into giving me a counseling form for something you did.
I work hard, and I try to behave. I can't do that when you're sitting their, running a muck. I try to stay out of it. But I can't. Because, again, you were my only friend, and you blame me for whatever you did.
My only true friend.
I only recently found out why that was. You fucking spread rumours. Around my school, around my work, and I still wondered why nobody liked me. Was I really that much of a bad friend? Were people that shallow, so they couldn't look past my face? My hair colour? my braces?
No. Funnily enough. It's the rumours you spread about me. I kill kittens, I torture my parents, I steal, from you and other people. Why spread those?
I just think I'm part of this huge, elaborate plot, to make my life a living hell. Make everyone else hate me, so you were the only one I turned to.
But you failed. You really did. I found someone before you corrupted them.
Ash. She gave me the courage to stand up to you, and fight you off.
I don't talk to you anymore. I don't want your messages, I'll reject your phone calls. I don't like you anymore. I realise now, I never did. As you kept telling me,
"You don't love me, You need me, there's a difference."
I realise that now. Thank you.
I hope you have a good life, I'm not going to wish any bad luck on you.
But do me a favour, and just grow up, and start treating people the way you want to be treated, ok?
It will help you in the future.
We had a good run.
There's nothing else,
See ya.
-Jack
--
Thank you to anyone who read th whole thing. I fucking adrisole you.
It's A Need, Honey, Not A Want.
February 24th, 2008 at 01:30pm