It's been nearly two months (Unless you count November, then it's been three, but time seems irrelevant at this point.) since I lost the love of my life. Three and a half years is a really long time, but to me it seems as if it passed in a blur. It's taken me some time to gather my thoughts and figure out what I want to put here. It's not going to be easy, but things like this rarely are. Any one remotely close to me will know who I'm talking about. And if he reads it I don't care, I'm still sending a letter to him.
Love is destructive in nature but as humans we crave it more than anything in this world. No matter how much you tell yourself you don't need it the more you find that you're lying to yourself. It's an indescribable thing, so much more than its denotation. With love you find so many more emotions that come with it. To love someone is to give them the power to destroy you and yet we NEED it more than food or water.
As humans we seek someone to confide in and trust and as that person gains your trust, love grows with that trust. Time doesn't matter. It can be instantaneous or it can take years, time doesn't matter. Love comes with trust. And sometimes it's realized, sometimes it's not. I don't try to understand these wondrous things.
Hate is jealous of it's opposite because it is so much more powerful. If you hate someone, they simply brush it off like an annoying bug. When someone says those three words… Things change, and fast. If it is returned it can be the most up lifting of things in this universe, everything seems brighter and more…possible. Why? Because you're loved and you love someone back. But no matter how fulfilling love is it has a dark side. A side that many prefer not see; a side that can tear empires apart and make worlds crumble.
It seems when love changes and a relationship ends it feels like that's the end, but it's not. It seemed like when He left me that I'd never love again. I was terrified and I still am. But fate has a funny way of making things happen. And I've learned that the hard way.
The three and a half is a long time to just let go. And I haven't let go completely yet. I still love him and I doubt that will ever change. I gave him everything I had to give; my heart my soul…Everything and he ended it. I can't blame him for following his heart though. I still haven't forgiven him, I almost can, it's almost easy, but I just can't. I wish him happiness and joy in his life. And so I'm closing this chapter with him and opening a new one. That's the only thing I can do since he's engaged to someone else.
Fate works in funny ways and no matter how we fight against it; it fights back and it always finds away to make things happen that's supposed to. Everything happens for a reason. I strongly believe this and everyday, this belief becomes stronger. I was meant to be with Him and loose Him.
It wanted Donny and I together. I should have realized it last year, but love is blinding and it fools us into thinking we're right. The feelings I felt with Donny scared me then because I was totally in love with Him, in my heart I just KNEW he was the one, but we can be wrong, with out realizing it.
With this new relationship comes that feeling that always comes. A nervous fluttering; excitement and the fear that's how it feels. To say I'm in love…Well that hasn't come yet. But he's my childhood friend, hell our parents were engaged once so I'm curious and excited to see what comes of this. I hope I don't fuck up.
I told him love will find a way if it's meant to be. Yes…Yes it will, so let's see what happens. I'm terrified and excited.
Carpe Deim
*Him= my ex-boyfriend Chris.
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