I HATE myself.

I'm ruining my life! I just can't do a single fucking thing right! I'm an emotional wreck; I can't go a day without making a scene about something or other. I sabotage my goals and set myself back whenever I do make a rare step forward. I just never learn.

Whenever my boyfriend works out I get so fucking guilty and jealous I wish I could rip myself to pieces. I hacked myself up pretty badly one time just for stress relief, but he found it, and though I want so urgently to do it again I can't because it would hurt him. I just can't keep up with him. I don't know what to do. I hate myself so freaking much; i just wish myself the worst kind of harm.

I hate to see people enjoying themselves because I haven't been sane for so long. A four-day winning streak sets me up for all kinds of optimism, but four days is eternity to me and it just can't last. Everything little thing is such a monumental step, and everything I do is such a massive setback that I never get anywhere.

I hate myself. Hate. HATE. HATE!

And now I'm crying...

I always thought that I could protect myself with people and things and theories, but in the end there is nothing that can save you. It's the ultimate insecurity; a paranoia and a vulnerability hardly worth living with. When it comes down to it, life dealt me a good hand, I screwed it up, and now I have nothing. I'm just a stupid, disgusting failure.