Tired, lost, unhappy and so very lonely.

I might feel worse about being so totally fucked up if I could still think straight. My world these days is something surreal; it's gotten emptier, or smaller- I'm not sure which. Every day I try to drag myself out of the cycle of depression, or else am preoccupied with falling back into it. It's been so many years now I've forgotten what living was; now it's only something intangible on a horizon I can never quite reach.

I feel wretched, and guilty. My boyfriend goes off and has fun, exercises and feels good about himself, and I just lie around in a shower of dismissed resolutions. I'm a ball of antisocial, resigned angst, and the resentment echoes all the more in my empty head. I just can't think thoughts anymore; it's all I can do to lie awake at night with Youtube or old South Park episodes to fill that void for me.

How did this even happen? What on earth have I become?