Today was strange, a mix of good, bad and fake tan.....
Which may not sound interesting, but maybe it is to you.
I was in a bad mood this morning. I just feel like that sometimes. The ache in my chest has become familiar and it's happening frequently now. I just wake up and feel it.
I guess part of it was Ellis's fault but thinking back now, though I hate to admit it, I guess it was my fault. I suppose ignoring him wasn't as Okay as I thought and now he's tired of it. True, he did say bad things about my new hairstyle and he probably did spread those rumors about Katie and I, but shouldn't I forgive him? There was a time when I couldn't wait to see him, and now I can't stand the sight of his face and curly hair and stupid dance moves and falseness.
Or am I being harsh? Am I pretending to be angry at him because I'm angry at myself???
He did say I was being stupid and if I wanted to play like that, he would too.
Oh...that sound quite wrong typed up on journal.
Anyways.....I was pretty upset when I got to form. Of course, my friends have to notice every sigh. I'm glad but sometimes it gets irritating. I guess I'm just ungrateful.
But Jack asked me how I was and I said I was bad. I said I felt small, insignificent and completl unjustified and wouldn't it be better if I wasn't here at all? Then Jack said he'd give me 5 reasons why I'm awesome, which was nice.
REASON 1. I'm his friend
REASON 2. I'm really nice
REASON 3. I'm amaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzinnnnnnnngggggggggg*that's how he actually said it*
REASON 4. I'm really funny
REASON 5. I'm his BEST friend.
So I hugged him cause I thought that was really, really nice.
I love my friends.
So everyone made me laugh and cheered me up and everything.
It was fun.
Conner "Science Geek" Sullivan was annoying me in French. Me and Tash asked him for a gun and when he said what for we told him we were going to personally asassinate him.
Lol
Becky was standing in the dinner que* a girl I don't even know* and she was laughing at my hair, laughing at my shoes-they're hospital boots, I HAVE TO WEAR THEM!!!!!!!!
But Kiya called her names an threatened to pour milkshake over her false blonde hair. We made up names for her fake tan.......
The Corner was cool....it's a place where all us "individual" hang out. Chavs invaded the other day, spat at us, called us names, threw food at us but the Headteacher came in and told us they'd been excluded! We all said thanks and sang the celebration song.
My brother said me and Andy would make a good couple and Andy said we should go out to the cinema sometime...I blushed.
I insulted Ellis, he insulted me but I think we're speaking again.
Textiles was odd. We were talking about suicide. They kept asking me if I'd done it, or thought about it. Greg*the major idiot whom i hate* said he'd tried suicide before
I said:No Greg, you fell out of a window and didn't blame in on stupidity
Then he called me stupid and asked me why I don't talk like a normal person.
Which hurt.
Imogen spoke to me...she's a Barbie but kinda nice. I said she could sing and as I was walking away, I heard her say "Is'nt she lovely?" talking about me.
So she may be patronizing or winding me up but it made me feel nice
Then Callum told her my secret and she was cool with it
Tom, Craig, and Luke kept making me laugh in History...what's with all this male attention???
I've got a field trip tomorrow-own clothes! Think I'll wear MCR tee shirt and Converse, just to wind them up.
But anyway.........I feel strange now. Like I don't deserve the things I've got but deserve more than I've got. I feel ungrateful and too grateful, too clever and too stupid for them. I feel like what I do is never enough but alway too much....
Can anybody explain these feelings to me?
Katie's still not talking to me either which sucks. Her sisters still hate me, but I'm getting used to that now
*hugs for Gaby*
Peace Out
xxx
It May Be Through Pity or Patronizing But Sadly, It Made My Day
February 27th, 2008 at 05:00pm