So here I am.
Sitting on a hard mattress, laid out on the cold tiled floor, laptop in my lap, sister sitting next to me eating some ethnic snack.
I binged today. Again. Out of stress, anxiety, and frustration. I’m apparently skinnier than I was when I last saw my boyfriend, 10 or so months ago. And yet single days, where I eat, the guilt is unimaginable. I fear I have come to the point, where I do actually loathe myself in my entirety. My typical diet consists of cereal, nuts, those cup’o soup things, diet drinks, and gum. No, I am not anorexic, and do not have any eating disorders. Apart from what I’ve developed mentally, which is my current predicament. I wake up and I look in the mirror to see if I look any fatter than the day before. I starve myself sometimes, imagining myself as a martyr of sorts. My clothes are actually falling off now. So I guess that means something. What scares me the most after a binge is the day after, where I wake up, n stand in front of the mirror, sucking my stomach in, and if I look any larger than before, the next few days hold serious restrictions concerning what I eat.
I don’t know why I’m writing this, it’s just something to do. I don’t know who’ll read this. I probably don’t know you, and you don’t know me.
So what to talk about?
Music! My life blood, it is the music. I lost my passion for it a little while ago, and everything was so horribly empty and cold, and I wondered if I’d ever feel the way I felt about the music I listened to not so long ago. And now it’s back. The high is back. Nothing in specific really, but typically rock n’ roll and metal, and well… anything. I’m not part of these fads or groups that define themselves by the music they listen to and yet do not hold respect for it. Band have band members, and band members are people too. People change and so bands change. If a band doesn’t sound like they once did, and you find yourself disappointed, don’t harp over it, go find another band, or go listen to the old music, it’ll always be there. And if you’re a true fan of the sound, you shouldn’t lose interest so soon. It’s understandable to have opinions about where a band is going, but the constant droning, on and on about the same thing, that’s just uncool.
Have you ever listened to a song, that didn’t necessarily hit home, but struck some chord, some how, you don’t even know what the lyrics meant, and yet you just couldn’t help but stop, and get sucked in? That’s real magic right there, man. That’s what music, quality music is supposed to do. It’s innate, it’s subconscious, the attraction. I remember, I was sitting in or green Intrepid in Canada, outside some butcher shop, waiting for my dad to finish up, and Q107 was playing some song, I don’t remember, but I remember the feeling. It was an other worldy, mind warping, distorting feeling. And it was peace. If people stopped, and just found their callings, that would be peace. It feels like you’re floating in your own thoughts, and if I ever had to define what is ‘right’, that would be it. That feeling. My dad says he used to get like me when he was high, and I take that as a compliment. If people understood the value of the little things, of how amazing it all is, or just paid attention, or just took things in stride, or stood up for themselves, or developed some god damn morals. Used some of that innate common sense. Most other species pass down some knowledge of how they have to survive, then why not humans? Why do we lack such a trait? And here we are, on top of the world, calling ourselves superior.
We build sky scrapers that make your ears pop when you go use the lift. And why? Because it makes us feel ‘good’… Does it, or is it just this constant reminder, in everything we do, that we are indeed superior… Has it come to the point that humans have grown so insecure of their standing they have to constantly come up with something or the other? But then again, isn’t that human nature? The desire for more, the desire to learn and prosper? So then why are some things considered ‘human nature’ and acceptable, while ‘morals’ and ‘common sense’ seem almost like fables? How does that notion, in itself, make any sense?
Sometimes, I wonder what I’m going to do. Someone like me, someone so odd and out of place. Someone so extreme, and yet subtle. Someone whose too nice, but at the same time angry enough to say they’re going to change the world. And don’t tell me violence or hate, or anger won’t fix things. I do not support violence or hate in any instance, unless it’s self defense of course. But anger is something programmed into our very beings, do not tell me it is a sin. I don’t hold grudges, ever. I forgive. And time and time again, I am misused, and mistreated. So obviously, for someone like me, it builds and builds. And in my twisted little mind, instead of blaming that one insignificant person, I ask myself ‘why?’ Why was that said? What was that done? Why does it have to be this way? And I figure, it’s because we let it be that way. We let things be this way.
I was sitting in an assembly once, and don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those kids looking for attention for all the wrong reasons, but it just came to mind. Our entire grade was just sitting there, we had no real classes to go back to, it was ‘form’ where we basically sit and talk, but no one was really in the mood for ‘form’, or that’s what I picked up as everyone moaned when we were asked to leave. And I’m thinking, if we don’t want to get up, and leave. Then why are we doing it? Why don’t we stay firmly planted and sit through this assembly instead of going back to that waste of time. It’s so easy, just don’t get up. But it never happens that way. All of us have so much strength, if we stick together, and yet we don’t exercise it. Either because we’re too apathetic, or too stupid, to be blunt about it. If you ask me, neither one is better than the other.
The sad thing is, in order to get your message across, in order to have people listen to you, you usually end up being a martyr of some sort or the other. Because people just don’t know how to react to anything other than obvious suffering. Suffering is what pushes a cause, it’s what drives people, I mean just look at religion, it’s all suffering, suffering, suffering. I don’t believe in religion, it’s cool if you do. But admit it, suffering rallies the troops, suffering makes people FEEL, something, anything. And at the same time, it’s quite contradictory, as there IS in fact, so much suffering in the world, here’s the sad part though, if we don’t experience it, it doesn’t exist, am I right?
So many break through thinkers, or people who realized what the world was all about were so overwhelmed by the recognition, and by how lonely it makes you feel. I’m not saying I’m some breakthrough thinker, but I can definitely relate to the mind set and to the secluded feeling. Believe me, it’s like drowning in yourself, because you can’t do anything but think, and if you can’t exercise what you think, you get desperate, you get extreme, and then you’d do anything at all, for people to see it’s not all peaches and cream. We’re not TRYING to be pessimists, we’re just being honest. How can you not be ticked off by something going on in the world, how can it not scare you that a child dies every 3 seconds due to starvation, caused by the extreme poverty of certain regions. I understand, death is natural, death in itself, is something not to be feared. But these are children, who weren’t even given a fighting chance. Just born, destined to die, but not of old age, or something, 5 year olds, 6 year olds, 7 year olds, who’ve got barely anything going since birth. And here we are, in our first world countries, pining over the fact the A/C broke, or whatever else. Some of the greatest artists, were spawned from hard lives, imagine these kids, imagine what they have to say, what they COULD do.
And you’re probably thinking, ‘oh, another preachy kid, complaining about how the world is just a dark and horrible place… And what exactly are you doing to change it?’
In all honesty, at the moment, nothing. I’m being honest, nothing. All I’m doing is not ignoring the reality of the situation, of writing this to you people out there right now, and trying to be smart about it. People, like me, have tendencies, when not heard, as mentioned before, to do something extreme. But I’m not a short fuse, don’t think I am, for then you’ve misjudged me. One has to know the system, in order to change the system. One has to plan. The world doesn’t change in a day, and if there was a way, I’d be among the first to volunteer. So there’s your answer people. And as I write this, more and more people are dying. Think about it. And I can’t do anything about, right now. But one day I will. So don’t ever think I’m just another angsty teen.
MORE RANTING TO COME
HAZZAH
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