Today, when I woke up, the ache in my chest wasn't there.
I don't know why, but since August last year, I've been feeling really, really down. It just sweeps over me and refuses to go away. It makes me realize how different and odd my way of thinking really is. It makes me feel as though I'm on a different page than everyone else like I'm seeing the world through different eyes. It's really painful-physically, mentally and emotionally. It's made me feel depressed-the dreaded 'D' word I always hear but I'm always too scared to use.
But the ache in my chest wasn't there this morning, which is a good sign. Sometimes it just appears through stupid things, like the glares from Katie or Ellis's huffy silences or those long I-Just-Still-See-You-As-A-Friend looks from Tom. Sometimes though, it's just comments or I simply feel sad.
But today...no ache.
At all.
All Day.
Not even when Greg told me to ' f' off, nobody wanted me here and I might as well leave. Usually his comments hurt me but today I seemed immune. Maybe because Imogen laughed at everything I said, made Stephen apologize and just made me feel good. She's probably whispering about me behind my back or maybe I'm just paranoid. Maybe I find it hard trusting other people because I feel I can't trust myself.
But today I didn't feel sorry for myself and because of that, I didn't feel ungrateful. I was happy with what I have, and I just relaxed and had a good time.
Sometimes I think I'm ungrateful, non deserving of everything I have. But then it feels as though I deserve more, I'm too grateful for what I have.
This paranoia is bringing me down.
I always say too much for myself but never say enough. I always make my prescence known but I shrink back into the shadows.
And then people like Greg make me feel about a centimetre tall.
He, and several others, probably think I'd be better off dead and I guess, for a while, so did I.
I hate saying that because it feels as though I've betrayed everyone I've worked for, everyone I've lived for. It makes me feel weak, useless, pathetic, worthless. It makes me think...wouldn't it be better if I wasn't here at all?
Would anyone miss me if I died alone?
I've looked up the symptons of depression on the Internet and it shocked me. I felt so angry at myself for being brought down by nothing.
So can anybody explain to me why I feel so sad?
I just want to feel the way I used to
Hanging Betty
xxx
Not registered?
Create an account