Hard to Say

Yet another journal and, though I thought I would never put out my feelings in such a public domain, I find it a great relief to get out all these emotions I harbor inside of me. They may be petty things to other people but to me the smallest details make the biggest differences. It's frustrating, quite, but I must learn to deal with it.

Let's start with some cool news I guess. People from Anguilla came to our school today to attend only one class and the one class they happened to attend was my Spanish class. Hells yeah. They were nice; really shy. Oh, and for those of you who don't know (as I didn't until they came here), Anguilla is a British colony to the east of Puerto Rico under St. Marten. It was just in recent years put on any map because it recently became independent from another island.

That's done with so now I shall continue on with my problems. My best friend, who I have told everything to in the past two to three years and who has trusted me with his problems, is now speaking to other people and not me. It hurts to feel he can't speak to me anymore but I guess I brought this onto myself. I mean, I didn't want to trust him with the reason I last made a mistake. Still, we've been arguing some as well, something we never did in all these years. Not once have we argued until now. I understand he's going through some tough times. He's got a baby brother now who his mother pays more attention to than him and his girlfriend broke up with him for, what I believe, another guy.

I understand all of this but still it a blow every time he goes off to talk to someone else. I mean, I'm supposed to be his best friend and for the past week or so, I have no idea how he's been. He never even told me or anyone else the fact that he was assaulted. I had to find out because his now-ex told a mutual friend of ours. I feel like I should be the one to know these things and I know jackshit.

Oh, another note: the day after Valentine's I found out the guy I liked (note the past tense usage of the verb) was repulsed and frightened of the prospect of me liking him. Just because I gave him a goddamned drawing. Damn it, I give drawings to people I respect, to my friends. He's such a retard. My friend helped me out by telling him I didn't but, though it should have been a huge blow to my already feeble self-esteem, I felt nothing. I felt nothing. I was numb, uncaring. I was repulsive but I didn't care. I just don't understand myself anymore.

<3 Jenn

P.S.: This is not to attract attention. This is just an outlet so I can ramble away my emotions to feel clean. I need to feel something good right now instead of the damned-awful self-depreciating ones I am feeling.