its just too hard

It's hard to go on like nothing happened. I see people everywhere at school with a smile on their faces. I walk around faking a smile and pretending I'm okay. I just wish Chelsea leaving was some sick, twisted nightmare and I could just wake up and get on the computer and tell her hey and that I love her and that I would try to get Daddy to take me down there. I just wish for once I could be happy. I just wish I could go back in time to New Years Eve and tell her not to take the medicine. Then she'd still be here with me and her family and friends. I'd still get to hear her laugh and see her smile and hear her talk and see her all together. I don't want just the pictures and memories, I want her...flesh and blood. All I have now is a half-crushed heart and memories that will last forever. I just wish God would take me, too. I know it sounds so stupid, but I think I might die. I don't know if I can go on without her here with me, by my side. Things would be so much easier if I wasn't so close to her. She gave me advice and even included me with the " big people" when I was little. I looked up to her and it hurts so much when I look at Lizzie. Because I see a little Chelsea. But I guess I have to be strong, if not for me, but for her brothers and parents...and Ben.