Exhausted

"One more day like today and I'll kill you"

Now I realise how much time I've wasted through depression, self-hatred and loneliness. Now I realise how the hours I've spent feeling low have been poured into drink, drugs and self-deception and how it's robbed me of my self-hood. Only now do I realise the significance of all the waste because now I know the things I want to do, I have no energy or time to achieve them, so now I'm afraid I'll wake up middle-aged one day having done nothing and gone nowhere. Sometimes it's a struggle to stay alive.

I want to be able to find a talent inside myself that I can share with other people. I want to stop being invisible and to feel alive again. Today has been hard on my emotions and I've had to slow down to nearly a stop to feel anything like well. I've never been so exhausted in my life, even when I fucked myself over with drugs.

In my heart, I want to be a good musician and I want to be good enough to write songs, but I've only just begun to try now after years and years of wasted time and sorrow. Maybe that's my fodder and my muse and maybe I can find something worthy in a sea of shame. I don't want to die a useless nothing. Oh please give me back those hours I lost somehow!

"I must fight this sickness. Find a cure"

Both quotes from Pornography by The cure

I'm running out of time
I'm out of step and
Closing down and
Never sleep for wanting hours
The empty hours of greed
And uselessly
Always the need
To feel again the real belief
Of something more than mockery
If only I could
Fill my heart with love

Closedown by The Cure

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Checks - Yes, despite my inner darkness, my lifeline still works........... I live to fight another day thanks to you. You'll never know, but then again, I thank you every day in my mind for what you stand for and how it saves me. I won't have a word said against you........... not one. You're the beautiful "emotional conduit" and you instinctively understand the outsider. Everything you say that has depth and meaning, neutralises the poison I've been fed from various sources over the years. Even in my darkest of hours, thanks to you, I have hope.