God what is wrong with life. This place is seriously screwed up! Its not just the living part of it, its the entire thing!! Emotions, feelings, actions, everything that has to do with life! You have to have feelings, you can't not feel nothing all the time it sucks!! Everything is a fucking lie. I have to act like a friend to people, a loving happy daughter, I have to act that I am happy and that i actually give a flying fuck most of the god damn time! Its so fucking messed up.
I tried to open up and be more human, but it was a horrible idea. I opened up and let one of the few people in the world i liked being around, that i liked as a true friend. And then she left!! It happens every fucking time. every time i believe i found some body who thinks they can handle me. They make me believe that they care, and that they will be there, that i Can Be Human. But its always a hoax, a joke, a fucking lie. People don't give a fuck, they just want to see how bad they can hurt you.
They give false hopes and make you believe maybe you can have a normal life and actually feel something. But its not true. They could care less about you. They say its all right and that they will never leave and that its okay to open up and feel. But its not true, none of it. Every freaking body is just trying to see how far they can push you till you break into pieces so small you can never get put back together again. NOt one soul will actually care for anyone, its not possible. Humans are unable to be creatures that care, they hold to their feelings by feeding on others. Its not right how it all works out, ITS NOT RIGHT.
I can't believe for one fucking moment that i actually CARED for them. That i actually thought for one moment i could be happey and really feel again. But damn it i was wrong again... I was stupid. I opened up and showed that i gave a fuck about them. Then she, my best fucking friend one of the few i would and could actually call my fucking friend without lieing at all, left me. She left me no fucking warning!! Then she goes and texts me giving me false promises of being there for me the next time we go to school, and what gets me is that i believed her... I believed what she said. Then she never showed, didn't even tell me she wasn't coming, never said she was joking...
Then i get a text saying she was safe at home. That she was not coming....she waited till the day was nearly over... and the entire day i thought like a stupid fucking little kid that she would just appear out of no where and go "sorry i was late, its alright i made it" smiling. But no hahaha no she didn't. Then she goes and says things to me that just isn't right. It was insulting and hurtful to say things like that to someone who is unable to live...
My other friend didn't leave, not like she did. No he just abandoned me. He never says a word to me anymore unless its text messages, since his cousin's birthday party i went to with him; he is never around me. What the fuck is it i do that makes people leave without saying bye!! I do not exist to him anymore unless i get in his way and not know that he was even there!! It increases my paranoia. I keep looking over my shoulder thinking that someone is there and i am in the way.
I am begining to have that paranoid feeling that someone is fixing to stab me in the back. I can't sit still and i get skidish as hell. If i get touched i will jump out of my skin, i flinch away from human contact, and can't go around one corner without thinking something is going to be there. I shouldn't be like this, jumping at a noise or presence of someone when i knew they were going to be there. What the Fuck is wrong with my head.
Then you are always told that you can be what ever you want to be. HA what a funny joke. They tell you that just to tell you you can't be. They fill you with false hope so they can crush it and mold you into what they want. You can't go off their course for you, no never. You have to live like that so they can say grow. You have to make good grades so you can go to colledge. You have to go to colledge. You have to clean up every mess, exspecially theirs. You have to learn to drive by never entering a car. You have to get a job without being able to get there. You have to take care of every fucking thing without being told and do it perfectly right the first time. You have to go to school, make friends, and talk to others, but never talk to strangers. 'make your own money and you can spend it on what you want.' get money and get told you can't buy that. How is that supposed to work?!?
How the fuck is someone supposed to live in this god damn place!! Its not possible. Life is complicated and messed up and it screws everyone. But sometimes i believe it picks some people to just screw up so fucking bad that they can't function without doing something wrong. that they can't say something without it coming out wrong or something. This life .. this place... none of it is beautiful. none of it is worth missing.
Its really screwed up for someone to talk of death. Its fucked up for someone to dream of it. And its fucking crazy for someone to wish for it. To wish that maybe to day someone will come and take me away. That maybe today will be the day that i die. That maybe just maybe death will come though ANY form and you never have to live again. Its is not accepted to think any of that. Yet.. i can't keep from it. I love it everyday. Receaving the death threats from people. It makes me happy even though I know they won't do it. They will not grant my wish. I want to escape this place, this hell, my hell...
I used to fear sleeping. I used to believe that if I fell asleep i would never wake up. But you know now i don't fear it anymore. I hope that maybe this time i lay down and close my eyes that maybe just maybe i won't open them again. That I will sleep forever and never have to deal with any god damn thing again. I wish for this and what kills me is that i used to fear it so much... I would have no regrets though. I have decided that. It would be usless to care of the past enough that it would bother me. The Past Made Me into what I Am Now, and nothing will ever be able to change that. So I live each day with a mask on for all to believe that nothing is wrong and that i am happy and i care. When inside i can't wait for night where i can drown myself in dark thoughts untroubled... because what use is life to someone who is unable to live it? I know nothing of life because i am no alowed to know anything of it and there is no one there to.........to show me and lead me through it......there is no one there who gives a fuck and will help me through. so I will stay in my darkness waiting for death, but never shall i tell a soul, haha its not like they will ever care anyways. I could die and not even the preacher will show up at my funeral.
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