Guilt

Ahh, so I wrote this diary entry about what I was worrying about. It wasn't really anything big, just stuff I was feeling guilt about etc and stuff that I had worried about in the past. It was just to make me feel better.

Anyway, there was some pretty big stuff in there and somehow, for the first time, my mum found the shreds of paper that I'd thrown away and stuck them together to find out some stuff that basically, I would've preferred to keep private.

Anyway, she said she was fine with all that she'd found and that she understood that it was just stuff I'd thought after we talked, but even so I was quite snappy and told her that they were my own thoughts, and she had no right to look through them. Me and my mum get on really well usually so after a shower, I came down to apologise and found her crying. It was really hard not to cry then, I would never intentionally hurt her. So anyway, she claimed that she was crying because of her step daughter, and I looked round to see my step - dad crying so she may just have been crying about that. Anyway, I hugged her and left them to it, but as I left, she said,

"Sian, we're OK right?" I turned and said,

"Yeah, of course, why do you ask?"

"You still love me right?"

I'm almost crying remembering it, how could she ask that? That is the saddest thing to have to answer, if she doesn't know that, then where did I go wrong?

Anyway, this journal is dedicated to my Mum and Nan and how much I do and will always love them, even if they never see this entry.
March 22nd, 2008 at 12:13pm