Aren't you capricious?

So I've been thinking.
I'm usaully in such denial about lots of things.
i don't accept what's to come, or what's happening right now.
I just know, I absolutely refuse to know I have a problem.

I guess this is why so many kids, teens and adults themselves have huge issues.
They just can't fully admit there is a "problem" in their life.
Why won't they?
Well because, honestly, do you want to feel like a person who needs pity?
Someone who needs help, someone that can cry to others, and seem really weak.

Let's just say, fake scenario.
A mother gets beaten half to death by her husband, while he also beats the life outta his son.

The mom goes to work and everybody notices that she's silent and the bruises are terribly covered up. You know why the mom refuses to tell her co workers about the problem? Because she married a man she fell in love with. Because she thinks there is some small hope, that he'll return to normal and they'll be like old times. She wants things to be normal for her.

That's why nobody admits their problems. Solely because they believe they can handle and otherwise hope that things will be to normal. I can't blame them, even I think things will be back to normal. What's the point in believing it won't be?

Okay back to the abused child. Well he's probably six and maybe he's too young to understand what's happening. Let me tell you though, he does know that his parents are supposed to love him and his parents are supposed to care for him. Not have his mother run away in fear, or have his father beat him.

This is where mental unstability comes in because you become confused and utterly hopeless. Like, isn't my father supposed to love me or isn't my mom supposed to protect me? Child, there is no wrong in thinking that. They have a better tendency to tell their problems but not so much. Does a child really want to confess that his family is screwed up when everybody has perfect ones? When all the kids in his class get perfect lunches and they all get candy from their happy parents. I think deep down, a child hopes that his parents will return to normal. Maybe that's why he won't tell people what's wrong.

II won't get into people who beat their children. Just because I don't understand that part. It probably has something to do with alcohol and drug addictions.

So how are you supposed to help yourself if you can't even admit there is a problem?
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I've been denying what's wrong for too long. Long enough to know, it isn't helping. It may be ignorant, but I still deny it...

I don't want to sound like a psychiatrist but..
You have to realize there is a problem.
It's the only way to help yourself.

I mean in some other wonders, people expect for people to pity them. I just want to say, don't expect them to pity you if you can't make an effort to help yourself.

I kind of just want to apologize to my friends.
I mean, they've worried about me, for a really long time.
I'm sorry that I don't have a full explanation of what's wrong with me.
I just, when it comes out, I don't want to sound stupid.
I remember, I was explaining it to Meranda because she thought I was mad at her.
It sounded like I was full of literal shit.

Then one sunday, Tasha called in and I tried to force a happy voice. Instead, I totally burst out in tears and couldn't even speak right. It's like when I say my problems, the words....
I feel like, nobody will believe me. That nobody is going to take me seriously, and laugh in my face. In a way, they might even pity me and treat me indifferently. Or I might be just another screw up.

Which all in all is another factor to why people can't tell their problems.
They KNOW what's wrong, but they can't find the words to explain it.
Sometimes you just wish that, they were standing right next to you so they could witness everything.

Maybe it'd be easier.
Okay, so I know I have a problem, but I won't admit to it. Just becuase, I can't find the words to say.

I'm sorry my friends.
I'm still trying really hard...to smile.