What I can do...

I've never really sat down and gone through the things I *can* do before now, which is a very bizarre thought indeed. I've always tended to look at what I've not done or what I can't do, but today's going to be different. Today, I'm looking at what I've achieved.

1, I passed all my exams - I got the grades I needed to get to Uni and even scored an A in GCSE French (ooh)

2, I completed enough to earn me a Certificate of Higher Education in Modern Languages despite being a huge introvert. Amazing I lived through the experience really.

3, I can ride a horse.......... I was completely obsessed with horse-riding for years and can ride reasonably well. I'd like to give it another go before I die.

4, I'm learning to play bass, guitar and sax.......... and I'm sticking with it come what may.

5, I'm brave/stupid enough to cut and dye my own hair. I think I've got a good sense of style and I don't give a shit that I don't look like all the other mummies. In fact I'm proud of it.

"She's figured out that all her doubts were someone else's point of view"

It's very easy to fall into a morass of self-hatred sometimes in which I judge myself through the eyes of the imagined critical folks. Those opinions are constrictive and unhelpful. I'm giving myself permission to throw them away and formulate new ones.

I was speaking to John, who runs the local music shop and he was saying that if I keep progressing as I am doing with my playing, I should be good enough to play in a band in 2 years... Maybe even 1& a 1/2. I'm not out to get famous or think I'm sexy or something... I just want to play music. That's all I want... I don't even care if I get gigs... I just want to play music with other people and make it sound good.

I have a place in my heart which longs for the freedom that music brings and that desire to play comes from a hard place emotionally for me. I've developed at quite a slow pace up until now, due to the introversion and the feeling of being without a skin some of the time, but I'm braver and more willing to accept compliments. I'm willing to try and willing to pay for being a good musician with time.

I want to take the opportunities that come my way now... I want to breathe and try and believe. Despite my hiccups, I want to fight. I will fight... I will win.