You have ears but you don't use them!!

Urgh. Right now I feel so awful! I just feel like everythings crashing and I hate it. I have been in depression before and I don't want to do it again...I thought just when everything was going good it just stopped and went down hill.

Yesterday I was suppose to got to Rascal Flatts ( my favourite band besides Queen ) with my 2 friends who looove country and so do it. But my other firnds were really angry at me because I invited the other 2 instead of them..and they don't even like them. ( I will call the angry ones Kate and Beth and the other two Sara and Lisa ) Kate says she likes rascal flatts.but she doesn't, she likes like one song, and Beth doesn't even like country!! and they got angry at me for not inviting them to go when I loooove Rascal Flatts and Lisa and Sara loooove Taylor Swift, Rascal Flatts guest! So I later I got angry over something stupid, mu fault, and then Kate got realyl angry at me and started yelling at me over the phone and saying that she should get to go and Im a terrlbe friend and crap! I've done nothing but be nice..but at the end of the convo I was apoligizing for her sneaky ways...*sigh* And now RASCAL FLATTS GOT CANCELED!! for just our concert..just our for 1 day..I cried I was so upset!!!! I love them and now Kate is gonna be so pleased that we didn't get to see them..I just want to die, not literally. I am so upset/angry/sad..just..oaufioshafushaf why did it have to be OUR concert!!!??

And now I'm getting fat..everyone says Im not but I am only 5'3" and on 110!! THATS NO HEALTHY!! Im the same weight as my mother, I feel so terrible. I count my calories everyday, jump on the scale all the time, excersie 5 minutes a week or every second day till I have an astham attack..I just can't handle it!!! I get hungry..but I try to stop eating..exercising makes me feel good but it makes me feel sick from my asthma so sometiems I go to not eating..or just eating breakfast. My friend Lisae is soooo skinny and I'm just jealous, and So is Kate and Lisa and Beth are so FIT and I just feel so...fat!! No one will take me seriously or listen to me or care if I'm actually going anorexic..no one listens to me...except God...

But now I feel far from God! I want to be close to him soo bad and i realyl go chrisian but I also want my friedsn tit hink Im funny and a good friend. And I find it hard to combine both. God is more important to me and I know that and I know there is a sultion to this..but I feel so lost. Sometimes I feel like I can't feel God and so I feel like he doesn't love me or that I'm such a terrible person that he doesn't want to assiociate with me. I know he loves me but I never get those cool feelings or see those cool things I wish I did like other people...does that mean I'm far from God? I want my scale of life to be even, I just feel lost still..and I just don't know!!! I don't need to sin to be funny and cool, but I feel pressured, I just need more selfcontrol..but it's hard and I feel like Im failing God and disapointing him in so many ways and areas.....I know I'm not cuz God will love me no matter what but I want to....I don't know just feel like a good Christian and feel like I feel like I'm suppose too!!

So thats my rant for the year...

-Kiana-