Back to Coldness

Last time I said that after enjoying a fairytale life, cruel life made me fall hard on cold stone again. Well I guess it's time to admit that I never really enjoyed that "fairytale life" I talked about. Yes, the costumes, music, and camaraderie was awesome but I never completely enjoyed. It wasn't all perfect.

I wasn't dancing with the costumes, steps, and music I wanted. Yes it was a dance and dancing makes me happy. But then, jazz and ballet are just not the same. My newfound friends from MMB are great and I consider them family. Sadly, they brought me confusion, shame, and jealousy.

With another recital, my life changed.

Well, not just my life I'm sure. Others' too. Our lives were turned upside down and I guess It's not coming back to normal anytime soon.

After the recital, I had a hard time facing reality. But now that I have a grip with my original life, I don't think my life is my own anymore. It isn't the original life I used to have. I feel hostaged by my emotions and the feeling just sucks.

On choosing...

I want to go back to ballet but I fear of not being as good as everyone else. I fear of not being able to meet the expectations of people around me and just suddenly give up just as I had done before. I don't want to start something, just end it because I can't keep up, then regret.

I don't want to join hiphop, start falling for a guy, expect something, and get my heart broken. It's that simple with us kolasas and I don't want it to happen. Emotions aside, I don't want to look like a klutz and some poor girl trying hard to dance something not meant for her to dance.