i'm a suicide risk

its not that i want to kill myself i guess
but that i want to die
like i'm getting my tonsils out right
i hope to god, moses, budda or whoever to let me just not wake up

when i'm in the car i just wish it would just hit me
sometimes i stand in the middle of the street to let a car it hit me
but someone always calls my name out or the car itself stops
i don't want to kill myself because i don't want my parents to have that over their heads
i don't know i thought it was a phase but do phases last 3 years?
i already know i have depression, and i was on meds for it
but i got off them cause they made me feel worse

and on top of it my parents are pushing me to get into some crazy ass college
prepping for college does nothing but freak you out
you have to take AP classes
do well on SAT's
voulenteer for like 3038257 hours
and on top of that be the captain of the varsity team aaaand the president of some club that helps dying old people

i give up
in all honesty i really do