Completely Out of Orbit

I have just witnessed the destruction of my entire world. The center of my universe has just gone off its orbit and left me hurtling through space alone. The emptiness in the pit of my stomach is nawing at me and turning into a hole going through all my insides. It's unbearable.

The realization that I now have absolutely no one to live for anymore is also a realization that I just shouldn't even bother with living at all anymore. The one person you thought you could count on to pull through suddenly walked out the door with ms. whats-her-name from Carver Center of Arts and Technology without a second's warning. And with only a simple sorry in response to my shocked silence on the other end of the phone.

What was to be expected? Did he think I could just tell him over the phone that I was totally okay with him massacring my insides and taking every bit of life I had left away from me. But I should have said something. But of course, I didn't say anything. My gigantic mouth always seems to deactivate every time a life altering moment passes by.

It's almost insane really, that this could be happening to me right now. I've been here for the last month hearing how much he really does love me and how he wants to be with me. I just found out they were all lies. He doesn't love me. Nobody really does. He doesn't care that he just left me lying on the floor in two peices while he skips away with the new love of his life.

One night. That was apparantly all it took. Yesterday he said he loved me, and after last night he wants nothing to do with me. He's all about this girl he met at that stupid festival last night. He sat there asking me if I would be alright with him going out with someone else on the same phone he's freaking confessed his love for me almost every night before. Am I going nuts here or is this actually happening?

I'm not angry. I'm not sad, either. I'm just insanely immune and unnoticing of everything else taking place in the universe right now. I'm planning on lying in bed awake for the next few hours after I finish writing this, and then waiting until it's light and then go to school. Maybe by then I'll either come to the conclusion that I'm either entirely insane or that I really have just lost the bane of my existence.

I'll seem fine of course. I've mastered the art of putting on the whole plastic smile and mask thing. It's something you need to learn to do when you're unable to detach yourself from the love of your life that keeps leaving you alone to face the world without him when really your life really isn't a life at all if you don't have him.

Fuck my life. Fuck Carver Center of Freaking Arts and Technology. Fuck festivals. Fuck night time. Fuck cell phones. Fuck stupid people named Lorena or whatever her name is. Fuck the Ugly Doll that's sitting across from me that he bought for me at the beach. Fuck love. Fuck my pitiful nonexistance. Fuck music. Fuck that stupid necklace lying on the table that he gave me that I'm now going to throw across the room. Fuck the fact that I'm so helpless. Fuck everything that remotely has to do with what just happened and his reasons for ripping all my insides out and leaving me for dead.

Thanks a lot, that's just what I needed. Another reason to cease existing altogether.