Mess

I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm a mess, a really tangled mess. I can't do anything right. I ruin everything. I'm messed up. I'm not ok, I can't keep going with all these, it's too much. I need to fix these, get meself back together but all it's so mixed, I am so confused, I don't know where to start.
I close my eyes and wish for everything to be gone but when I open them again it's all here, nothing has changed and that's killing me. I need put myself back together. I keep saying that as if it were that easy and maybe it should be that easy but I'm not trying enough or maybe I should just not try and let it all be the way it's going and finally let it all end.
I don't know what to do. I want everything to be like before all this mess started. I want to fix things but a part of me is telling me that I shouldn't care and most of the time I choose to listen to that part.
I want to be fine but i also want to crawl in a hole and be there forever without nothing or no one that will hurt me. I'm desperate. I'm a huge mess without solution.