A Secret That You cannot Tell Anyone Else

Should I feel grossed out by myself? Should I be so disgusted with myself that I beg God to help change me? Should I feel like puking when I think about myself? Should I ignore my feelings and try to live the way my closest relatives wants me to? Should I do what I have been taught is right all my life? Is everything I have been taught is right, wrong? Am I an idiot for having these feelings? Is this the right thing? Am I supposed to repent and ask for forgiveness? Does God even exist? If He does, why does He let people suffer like this? How can there be such disorder in one life if there is a God who controls everything, a God who knows everything must work just right or life cannot exist? How did I end up being like this? Was I really born this way, or was I made like this by the abuse I endured? How does one become like this? Is it right, not to have a problem when people who are gay and bi, or is it Miss-lead and sinful?

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Meag: I have a secret that I want to tell you but you can't tell anyone else.
cait: okay, I won't tell
cait: I also have something you can't tell anyone else, but I'll tell you that this weekend.
Meag: OK
Meag: now I'm not sure I want to tell.
cait: you can trust me
Meag: I'm scared
Meag: Ok, fuck it
cait: lol
Meag: I like someone
cait: okay
Meag: it's not someone you would expect.
Meag: It's a girl.
cait: WOW.
Meag: I know.
cait: who is it?
Meag: i don't want to tell you
cait: OK
Meag: It's Chanelle
cait: Awww that's cute!!!
Meag: it's not cute it's gross.
cait: no it's not.

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That is me telling my cousin that I am bi. She is the first person I told, and I felt like I owed her it to explain my constant asking how her friend Chanelle is...

I'm really confused about what is going on with myself right now. The only time I feel even slightly ok is when I'm just hanging out with my cousin, or late at night, when I'm the only one awake and it's just me and my thoughts. earlier this week I cut myself for the first time. I had burned myself with fire and ice before, but I had never cut before Sunday. I was amazed by how calming it was. I know cutting is bad, and that I should have never done it. I'm not going to say 'but...' The truth is I don't know why I did it. I want to tell my parents everything that is going on, but i know the only thing they will do is have me talk to the minister.