yeah, people die.

i guess it's a natural thing. people die. everyone gets over it.

i don't want to forget them. i don't want to block them from my life. i don't want to act like i'm happy they're not here. that wouldn't be right. i want to remember, but it's too painful.

life is like some sick joke. everyone you love dies and leaves you. it's not evadable. It's not fair either. other people put on sympathetic faces and try to say everything is alright. no it isn't. save your breath. it's not alright. i'm not okay with it. i'm not okay.

i hate the fact that i'm loosing someone so close to me.
I hate the fact i never took advantage of our time together.
i hate the fact i'm not there right now.
i hate the fact that the last words i said to her seem like they weer so long ago.
i hate the fact every time it's hot i'm going to think about her.
i hate the way i'll never look at blankets the same.
i hate the way i never let her see me like she wanted to.
i hate the way i wont be there when it's her time.
i hate the way virginia is going to be so hard to look at now.
i hate the way i'll never eat another reeses because of how she loved them.
i hate the way i feel so guilty about so many things.

i hate everything right now.

i'll never get to chat with her again.
i'll never get to hear her bob barker rant again.
i'll never get to see her laugh when i pop her chair again.
i'll never get to watch her watch the squirrels again.
i'll never get to hug her again.
i'll never get to say i love you again.

she was strange and weird, but amazing in every way.
I'm not ready to deal with this.

grandma<3