Just some thoughts =]

So, I was sitting around today watching Dead Silence, and I suddenly had an epiphony. So I grabbed a pen and paper that were placed so conveniently next to me and wrote this:

"I don't think that I know who I am, so sometimes that makes me feel like I'm innocent from all of the things that I've done"

But then I looked at it, and that doesn't make any fucking sense you know? I mean, just because I don't feel like I know who I am doesn't mean that I can do whatever I want. I guess I'm trying to find a reason for the things that I do. I'll push away the things that I love, then worry that they won't come back. I'm just such a guilty person; I can't not feel guilty about things that I do wrong. I'm doing a lot better with that kind of stuff now then I was say...last year. But it sucks because sometimes I just don't think about what I'm doing when I do it. There are things that I still feel bad about from elementary school! I'm sure that people have forgotten about it; why can't I?

I remember one day about a year ago when my mom was looking at me and I knew what she was thinking.

Then I said it first, "When was the last time that I took my prozac"

Then she said that she didn't know, and I took it when I got home.

I remember being really upset at myself for needing it, and I wish that I hadn't ever needed it. I wish that I hadn't been so good at hiding my sadness, and I wish that all of the things that I've done because of my depression never happened. I wish a lot of things, but it can't change.

I have daydreams where I get some sort of wish-granting creature and I make everything great. But there are always consequences. Like if you get all of this money, people will get suspicious. Then you wish that people didn't get suspicious, but then I always think, "Only three wishes, would I wish for money?" I don't know what I'd wish for; I don't think that I would like world peace. It's just so perfect. I wouldn't like the earth if it was perfect; I like all of it's faults. I probably sound like a crazy loon, but perfection gets to me. Which is weird, because I'm OCD with a few things. Oh well, I just wish that I didn't have so many issues. I know my real personality, but it doesn't come out sometimes. I can be mean then happy then sad then angry. It's fucking annoying.

I really want kids, but I'm scared that I'll pass down this trait of depression. Mine didn't come along because of my life being terrible; no, I had, and still have, a good life. I have a fucking chemical imbalance, and I don't want my kids to have to go through that. Some people don't even know what this exists. Or they think it's cool to be depressed, or "emo" as people call it. It's not cool, and it's not funny. I've become a lot more tolerant with people's jokes, but the ones that go too far just make me dislike a person. It just proves that people don't understand.

It's amazing how you say that you care about something, then you do so much to fuck it up. I just don't understand why I, and others, do that.

<3