This is rare. I'm usually enthusiastic and happy. I usually feel like skipping and smiling. I'm an alice. I'm hyper.
I speak in this cheerful tone and all that. That singsong voice.
But i have no idea what's happened to me. One night, i tried to sleep then suddenly i felt my insides sinking. It fell so down below and then the next morning i realized. . .that there was not much of a reason to be happy.
I started seeing how bad my life was turning out to be.
And everyday I'd feel so nervous and scared. I'd feel bad as if I've commited a murder. But I hide it. I hide it when you YM chat, when i talk to people. . . (the smileys in YM can make you look innocent). But at the same time, I feel like a liar. I feel like I'm in the verge of crying, because truth it. . . i wasn't okay. The weird thing is. . .
I DONT KNOW WHY.
I can act. It's just that when It comes to plays and all that. . .i just lose it. I dont want to act emo.
I dont cut.
I dont believe in suicide. I only say I'd commit suicide when I'm sarcastic.
I'm Christian. But I wont preach right now. I wont shove my faith in front of your faces. I respect whatever you think of God. What's important is what I have in me.
I don't know anymore. I feel confused.
Do you get that very sudden feeling that nothing, absolutely NOTHING means anything in your life. That you just felt like you woke up from a dream and you look at life face to face and find out that there's nothing much worth living for?
I get that feeling a lot.
I start acting weird inside.
I don't know how to stop it. I want to feel happy again. I want to feel loved and problem -free and optimistic. I want to smile again. . .
I just dont know how. And I don't know why my jaws are betraying me. Do you ever feel like this? Help me. I'm falling and there's nothing to hold on to anymore. I need to find something worth smiling for.
I feel like I'm lacking something. Maybe I had it before. . . maybe that was why I was so happy. But not now. It left me. That feeling of enthusiasm left me. And i need it back.
Ever felt that way?
Do you ever get that feeling? That you lack. That you're. . . empty?
April 25th, 2008 at 03:55pm