Friday, April 18th, I woke up to Meghan and Lindsey bitching and the movie Mask playing on the little tv in the motel room. Getting ready, I looked in the mirror in the bathroom and winced, because I was aching all over and didn't look all too well.
My Dad's stipulation for taking us was that we had to go to the Sears tower with him. So, fighting our way to the middle of the city, we passes the empty venue and my heart twisted. If we got there now, we'd be first in line. We'd be at the barricade during the concert. But, I was faced with battling stares from Chicago's financial district, my skirt flying up in the relentless wind, and, of course, my own nerves.
We got to the venue hours earlier than we did the day before. This time, we got to wait in line. In all honesty, it was incredible. The line was just over halfway full, and the people already there just reeked of coolness. It was not too hot, just right, and pretty windy, so the weather was perfect for sitting on the sidewalk and brewing in your nerves. We sat and sat, for at least an hour. A girl with short hair came over with a plastic tray with cupcakes on it that said 'MCR.' It was so fucking cool, and they kinda sustained us and put a smile back on our faces. I have to thank her, whoever she is.
There was a funny moment when the loud security woman came out to announce that will call was open, and that if we hadn't purchased a ticket, now was the time. This is what happened;
Random guy: No thank you ma'am, Ticketmaster already raped me throughly.
Woman: I'll bet they did. And I'll bet they didn't use lube or a condom!
Everyone: Hysterical laughter.
:)
There were a bunch of buses and trucks to our left, and I spent most of my time wondering if they were in one of those buses, watching us through the tinted windows. But I didn't have much time to wonder, because that's when some real shit happened.
Two girls came and sat in the small space between us and the girls in front of us, and I shot them enough dirty looks before the squatted next to us and whispered a few words that made my stomach drop.
"Would you guys want to meet My Chemical Romance?" I felt my heart shoot up through my chest. We all kinda said yes in the same quiet tone as the two girls whispered that they could one of us at a time, and who would want to go first? I offered before Meghan and Lins could catch their breath, because I wanted to check this out. We ducked under the line and we walked to the far side of the venue, and down a cramped, dirty alley that was next to the venue.
Now, I admit this was not the smartest move, but they looked exactly my age and seemed fans just like us. I don't recommend letting two people you've never met before lead you into in a deserted alley alone, but I was so desperate for a chance to meet them, I would have done anything.
Turns out, the say before, they were waiting to go in the venue somewhere around that alley, and they heard MCR fucking practicing 'Heaven Help Us.' They also heard Gerard talking to Frank, and Gerard just making nonsense noise with his voice. They crouched in a doorway and listened until they had to go in venue. Since then, they'd figured out that there was a door in the back that the bands went in and out of. Sure enough, the door pounded open and the guitarist of David Costa, the backup singer of David Costa, and some person went in the venue, glancing surreptitiously around.
The whole thing seemed pretty real then.
but we waited. and waited. and waited. and nothing happened.
Soon, I decided that nothing was meant to happen, so I left the cramped doorway to switch positions with Lins or Meghan. But as I stepped out, I saw a figure in the distance. It was Lins. She looked worried, and I met her halfway there, and explained to her the situation. Apparently, her and Meghan thought I'd gotten raped or killed or something, and she came to look for me. She went down the alley and I went back to Meghan.
I'd describe the rest of that experience to you, but in all honesty, its the exact same thing.
We all went, we all saw and heard nothing. but, hey, if you're Lisa and Lisa's friend, and you paid a kindness to there girls, thanks. It was pretty awesome.
---
After another hour or so of waiting, the loud security woman came and shouted to make the line smaller. We all scrunched up together for another two hours or so, until the line started to slowly, slowly creep forward. This was it. This was it.
They searched us and tore our tickets just like day before, and we made a mad fucking dash for the side of the staircase, and we got straight to the doors that lead to the stage, which were guarded by a big guy named Larry. This brought on another hour of waiting, and the excitement this time was when a girl dropped a beer a it splattered on me. Larry the guard said the funniest, most absurd thing I'd ever heard at a concert.
"When I open the doors, there is absolutely NO running."
Fuck that, Larry.
The waiting was strenuous. It was honestly terrible. I didn't want it to start, I didn't want it to end, and in some sick way, I wanted to be stuck in that moment of time forever. I think that was the last time I was unsure for hours. do you know how rare that is? When I'm in a mosh pit, or maybe just when I'm near someone that means something of that magnitude in my life, everything makes sense. I think I know what's going to happen next. It's a lot like being high or drunk. I forget all my problems, all my worries, and I can scream my fucking heart out.
But, finally, in a prolonged, stretched out moment, the movement started. My heart lept up into my throat and I instinctively began to rush forward. Larry's strong, muscular arm held me back, though. he kept repeating and repeating in a stupid fucking monotone 'No running. No running.' as the other security guards were. It was all frivolous, considering the middle group (the largest one) either broke free or was let loose and they were running like hell to the stage. A fire lit inside me and I was ready to break Larry's neck, so I just rushed him and fucking bolted. That amazing, beautiful euphoria I felt was tinged with doubt as I saw other people make it to the barricade before me. All doubt was forgotten when a small, thin girl in front of me catapulted to the floor, eyes closed and mouth set in a grimace. All human instinct told me to keep going, and I didn't spare her another thought until now. It's amazing how things can make you forget.
I slammed into the backs of two rather tall boys and cursed the heavens and Larry for being such dickweeds. I looked to my left and there was Lindsey. That upped my situation, and when I looked for Meghan, I saw her too-eager blond head poking up far right up at the front, her wide smile strange in the sea of black clothing, frantically pointing to the barricade she was directly in front of. Unfortunately, with her simple thinking, she thought that she thought that her spot was hot shit. It wasn't really, she was at the almost end of the stage, and would have to strain to see anything clearly except Ray, and even then she had to look over amps. I don't think she could see Frank at all.
We were almost directly middle, behind only one row of people. the two big boys were right in front of me, and Lins was almost to the direct left of the first one. Behind me were two stupid blond bimbos ones I'd seen in the line before and taken an instant dislike to. Lins and I discussed hushedly that once the pit started moving, we would push violently until out of the big boys shadow, and there was a row of about five people who were under 5'1". It was perfect.
Just as the day before, David Costa came bursting out, well received, brimming with that unique sexual atmosphere he has and the whirlwind of lyrics and music kept my head bobbing and my vocal chords being tested again. They are utterly and truly amazing.
Drive By's set was almost exactly the same, with stimulating music and and less-than energetic playing. I do truly like the music, though.
Billy Talent was just as well received as the night before, if not better. They are a truly amazing band and they give a truly amazing and entertaining performance, and they signaled the coming of MCR and the starting of the mosh pit. By the end of the set, I had managed to move away from tall boy's shadow, and was behind the midgets. It was PERFECT. I could rest on them when I needed to, I could see everything, and Lins was right next to me.
The wait was silent on my part. I was anxious, with millions and trillions of thoughts rushing through my head, poking and prodding in some places, staying and hurting in others. People were packing in, the air was already constricting, but I was in better shape than the day before. I had energy, I was just sparing it. I was waiting for my boys to come out, because that's all i wanted. I expect/expected nothing else from life then and since then for quite some time. I just wanted my boys.
And, of course, the lights darkened and millions of screaming heathens awakened. It's been three horrid, lonely days since that, and my throat still hurts. I've never had such deep emotion wretched from my throat like that before. Usually, I pull it out through my fingertips.
Gerard Way, Mikey Way, Bob Bryar, Ray Toro, and Frank Iero came in from different side of the stage at different moments in time, and just like that day before, busted out into a song. These concerts did change my life, did make me... better in some way, more determined at least, but also gave my one of the biggest heartbreaks of my life.
I have no words to describe my emotions. There are no words in the English language to describe what I feel now, and what I felt now. It was like... like everything in my life, everything I've seen or heard or felt, meant nothing. Absolutely nothing. And, things made sense.
I was alive, goddammit.
And just like that, it was ending. I could tell it was ending, because everyone left the stage except Gerard, like the night before, to take a break. This man, this amazing incredible man, walked up to the microphone and said a few things that mean a lot more to me than you'll ever know.
"Make something of yourself." He said a lot more, but that just... killed me. How does he do it? He made it seem personal, like he was right in front of me, telling me. And then I looked closer.
He had a cigarette dangled between his fingers. I cried harder. I'm sure you know why. He began to play Desert Song, with Ray sitting on the floor playing an acoustic. I listened to it, really listened to it, tears blurring my vision, as Gerard finished that stupid fucking cigarette and sang. I can't listen to that song without crying now. I had Lindsey's hand in mine and I wasn't even aware of it. They were all I could see, all I could think about.
God, I haven't cried that hard since February. He was just so real. And then, they came back, like I knew they would. They played more, and then I saw it again. The subtle changes in Gerard's face, the way Bob slowed down a little bit and they kinda looked around. Gerard gave us a look of anguish, like the last thing he wanted to do was walk off that stage. Ray Toro turned around and walked away.
I nearly blacked out. I don't scream often, or even raise my voice that often. But I yelled NO louder than I thought was humanly possible. I felt my voice tear, and tears kept on streaming, but when Bob fucking Bryar disappeared from sight and Frank Iero did too, I screamed again. NO NO NO. I could hear myself over the crowd, which was an amazing feat. I saw Lindsey's shoulders hitch and her head fall, and I took her hand. She was crying just as hard as I was.
Gerard and Mikey left, with one last, long look. I screamed harder and harder, all in vain, until I realized something was wrong. The lights were on. No one was telling us that the show was over, go home. I realized that, just maybe, my boys had heard me.
The noise amplified, and I saw one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.
They came back.
I cried harder, if that was even possible, and began to mosh harder than ever. Famous Last Words. I jumped. I thrashed. And the whole time, I couldn't look away. I froze my gaze on each of them respectively, saving their sweet, beautiful faces in my mind. They played more songs, more than I deserved to hear, and, just like that, I knew they had to leave. I knew it was really over, I knew it before they turned the lights on. I knew they were gone before my body did, and when it caught up, I fell. This sounds overly dramatic, but it's the truth. I open faced, loud sobbed, sitting on my feet in the middle of a crowd of exhausted moshers, never feeling more awake and more hopeless in my life. That whole day was so bright, so happy, so optimistic, and now I had this gigantic weight, these faces and words circling my head. I had nothing to look forward too. Lindsey pulled me up, and people were staring at us as we stood there together and sobbed. She was there, and thank fuck for it. She helped me more by just standing there and and crying than she knows, and I just want to thank her. Thank you, Lins.
We were the only ones crying, and we were making quite a scene. People started to leave, and all I could hear in my head was We hold in our hearts, the sword and the faith, and the chorus of Famous Last Words, echoing and mingling. I knew dimly that we had to find Meghan, we had to leave. I didn't give a fuck, to be honest. I wanted them back. I want them back. Nothing else really seemed to matter.
I turned my back to the stage and we had to walk up to the middle doors. There's something of a walkway there, and I looked down at my boots and the floor, watching my legs move but not really controlling them. I can recall that moment perfectly, my face wet and my heart heavy, the noises and laughs of people around me, my shirt wet with sweat. I think a part of me is always going to be walking away from that stage, leaving them.
I was still crying.
---
Back in the car, my dad told us that MCR had gotten in trouble. They were supposed to end at ten, but when they came back, they ended up playing until 10:30. My dad said he heard the cops talking, and when parents started to complain that it didn't end when it was supposed to, they said: "We'll deal with the band later." The tears had come to a standstill before that, but as those words left his mouth, I buried my face in Lins' shoulder and sobbed, crying just as hard as before. They had gotten into trouble just for us, came back just for us, just because they care that much.
They gave me the best experience of my life, and no one can ever take that away. Thank you, My Chemical Romance, for giving me purpose again. Thank you for saving lives. Thank you for caring about us. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being you.
I love you so much.
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