Numb.

Now I know what that song by Linkin Park meant.

I saw a picture of Gerard Way - well, not really a picture, there were some things written on it - and it just.. wow.

Link: http://www.theblackparade.net/showthread.php?t=2227&page=195

The one quoted by Lexi, a.k.a me.

It really opened my eyes to the man Gerard Way is now.

And it crushed me.

I mean, I looked up to that man for a long time, and he saved my fucking life.

A lot of MCR fans say that, but what people don't know is a lot of us really mean it.

Anyway, it was such a big let down to realize that.

I always knew about it, deep inside, but I refused to acknowledge it or even think about it.

But seeing that picture really brought out all the hopelessness and despair I've been feeling for the past few days about that certain man.

If anyone else who's life hadn't been saved by MCR read this, they'd probably say "Shit, you emo bitch, fucking cut and go to hell."

They don't understand.

I've always been told by people like that that Gerard Way was a fake, a liar, and - let's not go into details.

But the point is, now I'm wondering whether or not I should have listened to the people who beat down on me every single fucking day for saying that he saved my life and for believing in him.

Fuck, I don't even know if I still believe in him.

Over the past few months, he's been changing.

So much.

And it hurts to see him evolve so drastically from that greasy-haired guy with a black strip across his eyes into something... something I hardly even recognize.

And now I just feel selfish for wanting the old Gerard back, because he's happy with who he is now and I never want to ruin anything for him but it just feels as though the old Gerard, the one who was fucked up and understood what we were going through is gone.

And it hurts to know that there's no one to save me the next time I fall.