If I could go back in time

I was browsing the likeness quizzes on bebo and I came across one that was "If I could go back in time...." and I kinda decided that a choice if 10 or so answers on a scale system wasn't really well.... adequate enough to express my thoughts on the matter so I thought I'd write a blog.

Could be a very short one, could be very long but we'll just see where my thoughts take me.

Would I change the fact that I am disabled?
As much as I feel restricted by my disability I would not change it. Yes I have underwent operations and spent time in hospital because of it and I have always battled with this longing to be like everyone else, to be accepted for who I am rather than what I suffer from. Today that is still an issue with society but things are slowly improving - especially when you consider that in the days of the Monks people like me were just left to die or killed - I think I'm doing pretty good :L

Being disabled has also given me opportunities that I would never have gotten otherwise. I would never have gotten the chance to go to Florida or Egypt. I would never get into some places and gigs cheaper and most important I would have never have met my boyfriend and felt what it is like to truly be in love with every part of you.

Despite being disabled I have done things like travel, go to gigs, perform on stage, abseiling, canoeing, zip sliding, swimming, horse riding so I don't let it stop me.

Maybe the one thing I would go back in time for would be to make people aware that disabled people are no different to everyone else other than the fact that they need more help 0 that way society would have a better understanding.

Would I change the fact that I suffer from depression?
Thiis is a tough one. Everyone hates being depressed and no one understands what it's like unless they have been there themselves. I'll say one thing for sure - I have been to hell and back battling it. I am by no means cured now but I am on an even-ish keel which is good enough for me and more than I ever expected knowing where I've been. It scares me to think where I was eveb as liittle as 4 years ago but I ain't there any more.

I wouldn't change it tho coz as weak a person I often feel, when I look back at everything I realise how stong I am. Also I have met people that have became close to me because of been depressed (if that makes sense). Also what experiences we have in life good or complet and utter shite makes us who we are so if I change this who knows who I would be.

Would I go back and make it so my boyfriend never died?
First reaction would be hell yeah or I would give up my life to be with him. For a long time that is the way I thought and to a degree I still do. I wouldn't change it tho. Why not? Here's why not.

Steven was disabled like me but more so - needed a lot moe help than I do. In death he is free of that. It was only his human form that was affected not his spirit so he is finally free to be himself and I could never take that away from hin just coz I miss him.

I know he visits and watches over me waiting for the time when we can be reunited. He ain't shy bout letting me know either :L

As hard as it is for me to say goodbye to him for the moment I know he ended his life in the human world happy and in love - what more could I ask? I also know he is waiting to show me the delights of the sprit world when my time comes (wish I could check my spiritual agenda tho).

This may be a human love story that has abruptly stopped but it is only the beginnig of a spiritual love that will last foever.

There are only 3 things I would change if I could.:

1. If I had known he was going to die I would have went to see him one last time like he asked

2. If I had known he was going to die I would have asked for his hand in marraige - this would have also meant I would have got a mention on his stone - as it stands I was only his gf so I get no mention and I feel like I am grieving for someone I never knew when I go to the grave - hense why I don't go anymore and jusy leave flowers here for him instead.

3. I would have went and seen him before they put the lid on the coffin. I knew at the time I would never have coped seeing him like that but it's something I will regret not doing now that I can't go and do it.

I think that'll do