I'm incredibly fucking VULNERABLE right now.
between writing the bare bones of the (horrible) ending to a story, and just dwelling on the thoughts of dead relatives and wondering about who could deal with their fiancee dying...
i keep fucking crying.
i guess i really am just a hopeless romantic.
but now that i say that it feels fake.
so, mind telling me WHAT the fuck i am, other than angry? don't answer that. i don't think i wanna know.
*sigh*
what I'm thinking is, i want to be in love at some point, and some point soon.
but that's unrealistic.
really unrealistic.
i don't think I'll actually be able to get a boyfriend until I'm 18 or so.
not that i won't try, it's just that being a high school student, all you see are the same fuck-faced guys every day. and they still managed to be fucking... eugh.
that and i have the bad habit of staying to myself in social situations, whether because i have no idea what to say, or i just don't want to say anything. or maybe I'd just rather watch.
why is that so weird?
mostly i just cant stop grappling with my mind over my own spiraling story, in which the character goes insane, dies, then regrets it when she sees how her friends were affected.
it saddens me that this is how i spend most of my time, typing and thinking about characters that are not, and never will be real. not to mention, writing is and always will be just lies spun onto paper or electronic device.
isn't it sad i doubt my own profession now?
also, it's 2:10 AM, i have to make breakfast for my mom (mothers day means Eggs Benedict and a mountain of burnt toast, in my house) in a few hours, and all i currently want to do is break things or somehow finish this story so i never have to fucking think about it again. or, BETTER YET, lock me in a room where all i have to do is contend with myself until doomsday comes.
i don't know why i find it so comforting to lie about everything, say I'm happy and say how all i need is a guy.
what guy?
there IS no guy that could stand me, and even if there was, I'd probably learn to hate him.
so, why don;t i just give up and say it.
life sucks.
what the fuck else is new?
go ahead and bitch at me that I'm spamming everything up, because every LITTLE thing i ever try and write about in an entry falls under the category of "Spam." yay, my words are as good as gelatinous meat.
