Venting.

This is basically me venting. 'A worry shared is a worry halved' and all that jazz xD.

Ive been feeling down the past week or two, so I just want to try and get it all out of my system.

I have different sets of friends, and they're beginning to merge. Its beginning to make me feel uncomfortable, perhaps even jealous to an extent. (Which Im severly ashamed to admit)
I hate feeling like this, and I don't even know what I want to happen. I don't want to stop them from forming friendships, or relationships, because I have no right, and I truely want them to be happy. To be honest, I feel pushed out, and unwanted. And I just want to stop feeling this way, and come to an acceptance of these friendships. Its becoming difficult, especially since Im sensitive and insecure at the best of times. I'd Love it if these feelings would just disappear, because they're no fun, and make me irritable, and perhaps sometimes unapproachable. They sometimes effect the way I react to things, which is a big disadvantage, because I certainly don't wear my heart on my sleeve. The worse thing about the situation, is that I don't want to need help, and I pride myself in the ability to try and help other people. I also think that if the people involved found out, they would perhaps try and stop the friendships, just for my sake. I don't want that though, I just genuinely want to find a way to deal with my feelings, because I don't have a right to feel like this, I don't control my friends or their relationships, and their entitled to chose who they want to be friends with. I guess Im slightly paranoid, but I have this suspicion that I might be getting spoke about, or Laughed at behind my back. And im especially sensitive to this, because that sort of thing has happened to me in the past, and Im beginning to feel like Its me who is the problem.

I also feel inferior. My friends are amazing. Im not. I feel so young to them in some ways. Sure im mature for my age, probably more mature than most, but im the 'cute innocent one'.I hate it. I want to kind of re-invent myself, not completely, I still want to be helpful and caring and everything, but I want to be 'cooler' xD. Thats it. I feel Uncool. I want to be cool. I guess thats perhaps a shallow desire, but I really would like to feel cooler, and not let anyone make me feel inferior.

I want to feel happy and semi-content, like i did at the start of last year. Exams and such along with various other worries have been with me this past year, which i feel i can cope with. But somehow im feeling overwhelmed with these seemingly insignificanr worries.

Well thats my venting session over for the moment. It was pretty long, but i feel slightly better for it xD thanks for reading. Comments are welcome

x