"Every Step That I Take Is Another Mistake To You"

Okay, I wrote it yesterday evening and today morning. It's not a story, so I put it here.

I want to talk to you.
But you seem so distant now… As if you’ve got other better people to talk to. And I’m sure as hell you do.
No one has time for me. No one would listen. I’m standing alone in the dark alley of my mind and can’t escape.
Where is my friend of misery?
“No one has much nice to say
I think they never liked you anyway”
These lyrics refer so much to me that I am not able to listen to this song anymore. Every time I hear these words it hurts me inside so much. Because I know that it’s true. No one likes me. No one can accept the way I am. Why is that? Why they never lend me notes from lessons? Why they talk to me in outdistanced way? Why they never ask for MY opinion?
I’m disgusting. And I’m not depressed, I’m just aware of the truth.
I don’t want to die. Life is pretty interesting here. But there isn’t place for people like me.
I’m under constant control. Where have you been? What have you been doing? How was school? Where are you going? With who? You have to be back before 8 p.m.! Don’t buy sweets at school! Why you’re not learning? When you’ve got Maths test? Why you’ve got one C from Polish? Why you can’t have A from Chemistry? Don’t write so much stupid things, but finally start learning! Stop watching TV! Did you do your homework? If you won’t behave, I’ll turn your radio off! I told you not to sit in front of the computer after 10 .pm.!
Of course it’s my fault that I’ve got no friends. “If you talk to people at school like you do to me, then I’m not surprised that no one likes you! If I were them, I’d stay away from you!”
I don’t want to be like them. And I’m not. But they keep on pushing me, pushing, pushing, pushing… Wanting me to be their perfect little daughter they dreamed of. Making me feel like they’re ashamed of me because I’m myself.
If I won’t fucking have anybody, any support, I’m seriously gonna start planning on death. The fastest and painless way to die? I don’t know. I definitely don’t want to cut my veins. And I don’t have a gun. I’ve got a sword, tough. Stick it to my heart? I don’t know if it’ll be what I want. Take a lot of pills and fall asleep forever. Maybe that’s a good way.
But for now I’ll wait a while. Next year will be the worst in my life. Exam to high school, constant learning, them pushing me far too much… Maybe I’ll live it, maybe not. Now, it’s last week when I can do something with my marks. But I won’t. Today is Wednesday, I’m not at school with sick throat. Final marks are given on Friday. Mine aren’t so good. I’m not gonna be in good high school and I’ll have to learn breathlessly to pass exams and go to studies. And I KNOW that I won’t be able to do this. I’m not strong enough. I’m too weak to put up with what is with me now, then later it’s gonna be only worse.
When I’m sick, they yell at me, because it’s all my fault. So when I’m home, they tell me to learn to not be stupider than other kids. But I’m not learning. They say that I’m pretending to not to go to school. I did it last year, but not this. But they won’t believe me. And when my sickness is getting worse, they start to be all worried, sweet and good. Right now I can’t even swallow normally, ‘cause my throat hurts so much.
I’ve had enough of this, but I can’t protest. I have to wait 3 more fucking years until I can move out. But I’m sure that even then they’ll call me, asking me about my marks and telling me to learn more.
Pressure, pressure, pressure.
So, you don’t have time for me. Are you making excuses? I don’t know, but it sometimes looks like you do.