It's awfully scandalous that I'm feeling the way I am.
It's like everything is crumbling at my feet, and I don't even have the darn common sense to show some respect for it. I stopped caring about grades long ago, like this fall. I stopped caring about myself... well I can't really name a time when I did care about myself, but still. But when I stopped caring about my friends... it hurt myself. It didn't even hurt them, because they're not fully aware of it, since I am the best at finding excuses.
I'm really disappointed in myself. I thought I was another kind of person. I thought that should the time come, I would know how to be a good friend. I would know how to keep my friends, because I knew just how much I needed them. I guess I was wrong.
All I know is how to make excuses for not sharing one more thing on my mind, for not going out, for not being a real friend, but a mere acquaintance. I find myself trying to get distanced when I know that closeness is what I really desperately need. And what do I do? I ignore them all. I act all cool when it's about them, but when it comes down to me, I refuse to admit how un-okay I sometimes am. I seem to always be doing just fine, and I perfectly know that is not true.
It's not like I'm always doing bad, or that I am depressed. I think depression is a word too big for me, or, at least, I'd like to hope that way. But when I am doing bad, why can't I just admit it?
For example, when my grandma died, I only told like two people. And that was because I was looking pale, and I had cut some class and was generally not being myself. I have like ten people that tell me the darkest of their secrets and I didn't even tell them that my grandmother had died. And that affected me. It was two months ago, and I'm still not sure I'm okay. I still cry from time to time, or feel guilty about not showing her how much I loved her while she was alive, or just desperately ask why, as if life wasn't like that. I've been simply afraid to admit that I'm hurting.
I've always been quite the introvert. Not a loner, not apparently. I just don't tell people that it hurts. When someone does something not okay to me, I'm fast to forgive.
I'm easy to take for granted, you know. Someone, some day, could just punch me and I'd forgive them in the blink of an eye.
Whatever...
I hope that was coherent enough for you to understand.
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