A Bad Day Yesterday

I had a bad time yesterday. Finding out that Dollie, the drummer of my band The Burning Impulse, had most likely quit. I just kinda snapped and had a suicidal rampage going on in the chat that me and my bandmates use to talk and roleplay in.

I said some pretty terrible stuff that I didn't mean to be said. But staying them got the thoughts out of me. I went to the other site that I have friends on which I find myself from time to time, calling family. And we talked and without them knowing, they made me feel so much better.

Yeah, the worse part is, those things that I said targeted at my friends/family/bandmates.....were somewhat true. Yes, I did have a problem with carving (parents don't know, will never know, and has never suspected. Even though I've told them that I have. They don't listen to me.)

I'm also starting to get where I feel if I eat, I regret it even with just a small salad anymore. Having your own biological family bash you over your appearance doesn't help matters. Some days thet thoughts just get so bad that I just want to give up completely. I start to question my worth in this lifetime and any others that I may or may not have had.

I also learned that I should not be around alcohol when such feelings should arise. Once, I drank a whole bottle of tequila and beat myself in the face about 20 times.

I'm getting quite frightened at my feelings of lack of selfworth and hatred for myself. They are becoming more and more frequent. I don't even dream anymore. I barely get any sleep. Pretty soon, I'm going to stop eating completely.

My mind is a total mess of jumbled up emotions filled with uncertainty, self doubt, and hatred for myself. That isn't all that's there believe me. If you know me and have talked to me. You've probably never even knew I had felt this way.

There are times where I am happy and that is when I have my friends around me and talking to me. They are like the family I never had. I know that they can't be there for me all the time. And I don't reall want to put the pressure on them at all. They are the greatest in the world. And incase you're wondering who you guys are.... I'll put it as this, my bandmates/ex bandmates, and all of the people on s//c. All you guys are awesome and the best friends anyone could ever ask for. Some of you guys, mostly the people at s//c lift my spirits without even knowing and for that I thank you oh so much.

I said some pretty harsh things to my bandmates and I'm gonna have a big apology ready for them. I didn't say anything bad about them, but I was so stuck in my own incasement of self pity to care what they might think when they all log in to read what looks most suspiciously like a suicide note. And, my mind and at the state it was in, that probably was exactly what it looked like, a suicide note.

And don't worry. Not all of what you read here is going to be depressing, oh believe me. Sometimes, you might even grin a bit. Especially if I tell you about the roleplay my bandmates do about My Chemical Romance hehehe. So you might just wanna stick around to read such randomness if you like that sorta thing. :)