The Whole Suicides Thing

I'm so pissed off! This time it really got me!!!

THAT'S ENOUGH!

I've heard spectacular news. Some teenager committed suicide! Isn't it the worst thing I heard this week? :( No, wait... I heard the same thing yesterday... And on Wednesday, too. It's all because of these horrible emo bands like My Chemical Romance, Foo Fighters or Bullet For My Valentine! We should blame them! It's not the parents and family and friends, it's the bands!

JESUS CHRIST, PEOPLE, WAKE FUCKING UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why you write about suicides? It's such a common thing, that to write about every suicide of a teenager on paper, they'd have to cut down all the trees down the Amazon!
I'm not saying that suicides are a good thing. But sometimes that's the only way out. And I understand these people completely and utterly.

Why they write about THIS teenager, not some other? They're always so shocked, they always say that their child was just 'trying to be fashionable' and good and intelligent and didn't show any signs of depression and suicidal thoughts. But the truth is that they can't/don't want to/don't have time to observe their own children. If they'd look carefully at them for two-three days, they'd notice that they've changed.
People need to understand that everyone has got their own life and does with it whatever he wants. If someone hates his life, in my opinion he has the right to kill himself. I would do it. I wanted to, but gave myself and others another chance.

MCR did NOT save my life. Metallica did and I'll thank them for ever. I like MCR because of their music, not lyrics. They don't 'speak' to me, I don't see any connection between them and myself. To be honest, after listening to Dead! I decided to never, ever listen to this song again. I really hate it. 'Cause it actually made me feel not worth anything. If not a few people, maybe I'd be dead by now.
"No one ever had much nice to say
I think they never liked you anyway"
This really made me feel fucking useless. As if Gerard Way was telling me this, to make me realize the truth. This disappointed me. For a few weeks I even didn't want to think about MCR. It made me feel sick. It made me want to die. Because I knew that these words are true. I never felt liked in any way. Only two people keep me alive now. But I feel faint again.

On Tuesday I refused to go to school. For next two days I was constantly crying, wanting to kill myself, hating every person walking on earth, not caring about anything, even that logo-thing that appeared on metallica.com. My mother took me to psychologist. She thought that it was all about my low self-esteem and made me list my merits. Of course, she 'forgot' about my faults, because there is more of them. I think that having a lot of interests (which I lost this week) is not my good point, because everyone is interested in something. This visit didn't give me anything.

I still hate myself. I try to fight every feeling in myself that is associated with depression. I tried to fight the fact that I didn't care at all what my favorite guitarist's child looks like when his first photos appeared. I tried to fight the urge to cry. I tried to fight the will to die. I tried to fight the feeling of being rejected.

I feel dead. I feel lonely. I feel useless. I feel worthless.

Why do I even tell you this?

Just think about yourself and what do you feel.

I'm gonna listen to a band, that likes the drummer of a famous band that an emo band likes, so they all are emo. I can't believe that someone said that Bullet For My Valentine is emo. If so, then fucking Metallica is emo, too. And also Oasis, because Lars Ulrich likes them.

Take care.

xoxo