Letter - To SWAP:

Dear Swap,
I love you all with all of my heart, but I hate this. I don't doubt I’ll have to live with it though, because my future is set and it's not your fault. But you're a huge asset to that. Whenever I’m around you guys I feel amazing, in control... happy. I never have to paste on a smile for you all, because no matter what happened or how bad things are, or how long I cried the night before, you guys genuinely make me happy. I'm all about letting loose and I’m sure you would agree, but there is one thing that I can't get off my shoulder. With this kept inside me I can never be completely "myself" around you. I know you all love me, I don't doubt that one bit, but would you love me unconditionally? Do you love me just for laughs and conversation? Am I anything without that? I wish I could let go of my set identity, to show you me. The weak me, the broken me... that part of me that is running scared with no trace of humor in my eyes and no quick witted phrase to brighten the situation. I will grow with you, but what if this doesn't grow out? What if I’m like this forever? I don't know if I can handle you all against me. I'm sorry. I am so sorry... I wish I could stop. I wish I could do it, if not for me, but for you. Yet I can lessen the blow. I promise you that before I die, right before, I will tell you. I'll tell you I’m bi and you'll all thank me. You'll say, "Thank you Kathy. Thank you for growing old and marrying a guy you don't love. Thank you for not being selfish. Thank you for fighting it till the end. Thank you for not complicating our lives...” And then I’ll be mad. Not at you, but at me. Mad that I had to marry a guy I didn't love. Mad that I couldn't be selfish that once. Mad that I had to fight it till the end and mad that I had to complicate my life, so that yours wouldn't be. But by then it wouldn't matter, would it?