Lost Loved One

Nobody knows me anymore. I am a stranger. you have no idea how much I miss you. sometimes I cry at night when no one can see. but I know you can see. you will always be watching over me. you hurt when I hurt so I try to be strong like you were. you were always there for me. my personal sunshine when my skies were gray. now my skies are forever black. no light to guide my way. I have become used to the dark though. it doesn’t scare me as much as it used to. I have come to hate the light. It burns my skin like acid rain. I am afraid of change. I don’t want anything to change since you have been here. but things have changed. you are gone and you are not ever coming back. sometimes I feel so hopeless and alone that I beg my own heart to stop beating as your did.i just want to see you one more time. to see your cheerful smile. I would live my life alone and in darkness if I could just talk to you one more time. hug you, tell you that I love you. I hope you know. every time someone mentions you, I feel instant pain in my heart like a knife or someone’s’ cold, steel hand crushing it. I cannot breathe or speak. my eyes fill with tear and I do every thing I can no to let those tears fall ‘cuz I know that if I slip and fall I will fall forever and I’ll drown in my own sorrow, own tears. this pain is torture but I cannot live without it. I never want to forget you. I know that you are disappointed in me, I just plead that you can find it in your immortal heart to forgive me, love me. ever since you left my heartbeat has faltered and stumbled. you have taken a part of me with you. I need you back. it is impossible to survive without you. I have fallen apart, I am sick and you are my only happy place. but you are gone to a better place so my next best cure is pain. it helps to stop me from thinking. stop the tears. I wish my name was not angel but sinner. I am not beautiful and innocent. i am ugly. i am filthy with sins. my wrists are lined with evidence. my thoughts have taken me to suicide so many times that i can almost imagine the rope crushing my neck. i will live eternity in hell if only i could glimpse you as i go. this grieving mill never end. i will live in misery if not at all. i want to wake up from this night terror but i am trapped. unable to do anything but scream a silent plea of terror. i may walk this earth but i am not living. i will never live again. never love. some have said they have felt anger towards your death . i have not. there is no room in my body for anger for i am filled with sadness so intense, that it’s pain. im begging that i will see you again, possibly sooner that later if i get my way. the very first thing i will do when i see you again is
cry.

-jan 19-