Inner battles of the teenage heart (What I like cliche Titles...)

As if the battle between heart and mind wasn’t enough, through hormones in there, and its no wonder teenagers are such emotional wrecks. I’m confused, which comes with being sixteen (nearly seventeen, thank you very much… though at the moment I’m sounding about twelve). But what exactly am I confused about? Well, lets NOT get into the issues I’m currently having with m best friend and focus on the confusion of the day, why don’t we?

Boys… sorta. More like dating in general. Because one part of this equation is most definitely not a boy… and I’m not talking about me, either. Though I am a girl…

Let’s start with Jake. Jake is… okay, Jake is really hard to explain. He’s incredibly sweet and kind, we have a lot in common, and he wants to date me. Sound simple? Well, its not. See, my best friend says he gives her a bad vibe. Like grow-up-to-be-mass-murderer vibe. And one thing I’ve learned in the past year and a half that I’ve known her is to trust Manda’s vibes because they’re usually right. Only Jake makes me feel special and loved. Like I’m worth something. It seems like he cares. Not something I get a lot.

And because he is a really nice guy, I feel like shit. Because I don’t really like Jake. Not more than a friend. I like the idea of Jake. The idea that someone cares about me. I like “affecting” him, if you get what I mean. I like the way he looks at me… But I’m not attracted to him. And it makes me feel like a total bitch because he really likes me and as much as I don’t want to lead him on, sometimes I can’t seem to help myself.

Yah, I know, I’m horrible.

Anyway, so Friday we have a “date”… kinda. We’re going to the movies and he’s paying for it. Date, right? Except I don’t want it to be a date. I just want to be friends. That’s it.

And we’re going to prom together. It’s supposed to be as friends, but lately I’m wondering how much he’s still viewing it as “just friends”.

“Joke me something awful like the kisses on the necks of just friends” … ironic that that song just came on my shuffle (I’ve got a dark alley and a bad idea that says you should shut your mouth by Fall Out Boy).

Anyway, back to my oh-so intricate issues.

Levi… I don’t even know where to begin with Levi. …my Ivel.

*sigh* I suppose I ought to start at the beginning.

Me and Levi go back as ways. He doesn’t really remember swimming lessons at age five or even elementary school, but I do. Mostly, though, our friendship blossomed in seventh grade. Levi was the same pervy kid he’d always been, though growing up in his family it’s kinda hard to NOT be perverted. But, out of respect for Levi, I’m so not going into that. Me? I had issues. Of the severe variety. Levi helped me through a lot of them. When we meet again in seventh, I had no confidence, no self esteem, and no faith in myself at all. I was lost, worse than alone, and felt like I was fading away and no one noticed.

Except Levi.

It’s safe to say Levi knows more about me than anybody. Not because I’m exactly hiding anything, but because he’s been there and he’s watched me evolve and change. He’s been the only person to support me through it all. And that means so much to me.

I’ve always been a little bit in love with him. But, it’s been a weird love. Somewhere between brother, friend, and something more. I’ve never really tried to classify it before. It was just Levi and Levi is different. It’s a very hard feeling to try and describe, to put into words.

Anyway, I saw Levi for the first time in months the other day. We successfully pissed off my aunt, but I don’t really care because something happened that has the potential to make or possibly break our friendship. No, not sex. He just wishes.

He told me he loved me. That he’d been in love with me since seventh grade. And, later, we kissed. Nothing big… soft brush of lips. No tongue, no demand… no passion, even. (Man, you can tell I’m a writer about now.)

I’m so confused. I mean, its Levi… But that’s just the problem. He’s Levi. He’s the guy I’ve always joked about ending up marrying… but it’s always just been a joke. Nothing else…

Until now. Now I’m fucking thinking, and that is never good.

*heavy sigh* Okay, let’s move on.

Marissa… my Rissa. My relationship with Marissa is so complicated, most of the time I just want to scream. Very loudly. Or maybe punch a wall…

We’re friends. Friends that flirt and cuddle and have a few benefits. I swear to God, we’ve come so fucking close to going out its pathetic, but Rissa is… confusing. One minute she’s biting my neck and cuddling and fucking kissing me, the next she’s trying to set me up with Jake, her ex-boyfriend (and I’m still not sure he’s completely over her) Its like some fucked up love triangle. As if figuring out I liked my female friend as something more than a friend wasn’t enough.

She tells me she likes me.

She tells me she doesn’t look at me “that” way.

She kisses me.

She tells me I should date Jake.

*frustrated scream*

I don’t even know what to think…

*sigh* I suppose eventually something will work out, but for now typing this is making my hand cramp up and my busted-up arm is throbbing. So, Tylenol and nap for Jessy… *hugs*

Love yah, thanks for listening (reading, whatever) my little… well whatever it is

JxN