My Many Problems

Well first off, I have ialwaysthinksomethingiswrongwithmeyosis. I have serious depression issues, I have probably developed an eating disorder known as anorexia, I always seem out of place with my family. I just don't belong with them. I trust people way to easily. I'm a big pushover, I let people walk all over me. I have the biggest fear of speaking to people..... it used to be so bad that I wouldn't even talk on a chat room. I always have the feeling that people are talking about me behind my back and even when I do know it, I don't do anything about it. I feel like I'll always be alone like I feel all the time, well.. sometimes I don't feel alone, when I talk to friends I don't feel alone.

Some days, I just want to end it all and never have to think about anything again, but I'm scared of dying. And plus, I think about all the things I'll leave behind. I have big doubts about things and never really believe in myself at all. Nothing ever seems to go right for me. I never get hugs hehehe it seems like a babyish thing to say, but really it isn't. I like hugs, but I never get them, especially when I need them..... and I'm so weird, I pretend that my arms are another person and hug myself....(I belong in an institution).

Most times, I feel like I'm left out of everything. Like, people will have a conversation and I'm right there and they won't even ask me about anything. It hurts sometimes and I think, well, what's it matter... they wouldn't like what I say anyways. Once, I tried to kill myself by drinking a whole bottle of Tequila and beat myself up... it didn't work and partly I am glad for that. Sometimes I really think, what am I even on this earth for? What is my purpose.

My parents don't even know I have these thoughts or anything really that I do. Yeah, I'm a depressing lunatic right now... I just wish someone would listen to me about things that I really need to talk about or even just some things that I think are important and not just shrug me off like so many people do. When I start to talk about why I feel this way, they usually start to ignore me and that makes me feel even worse, I don't have these all the time. I usually just have to sleep it off and deal with it.

I used to cut.... but then I stopped. I even showed my mom what I did and she said that I was stupid and laughed. I asked her if I could see someone about it, but she said no. My dad goes "there is nothing wrong with you!" in a harsh tone. "All you want is attention!"

*sighs* God, I'm such a messed up freak of nature, what the fuck am I supposed to do for people that is good if I can't do good for myself. Well, I know one good thing I have done for myself, is keeping myself alive. Sometimes, I think that that's the hardest thing for me to do. And I mean alive as in my moods... mostly I'm all happy and hyper.

I think I've also developed insomnia I only go to sleep in the morning and that isn't very good. But I don't really care about that one all too much, it doesn't really bother me. I write when that happens. I have very low confidence in what I do and I think that I am right about what I say because I suck at life. I'm a total screw up.

I ate today.... but I didn't feel happy about it. I won't eat tomorrow, that's for sure. If I wrote a book about all the things that I think about on a daily basis you would, laugh, cry, and maybe even wanna find me and put me in a straight jacket and light me on fire.

Well, that's my messed up mind.. I bet mine is worse than yours.