I HATE to admit this...

Although, many of you see me as some cold a** b***h, I actually do have feelings. I hate feelings; especially the feeling of longing. Longing for something or in this case; someone is my least favorite feeling. There was this guy who I used to hook up with frequently. Before you begin to call me a slut; I actually did like him, he just didn't like me. He was too hurt by his ex-girlfriend to start anything. He used me, and I let him because I was into him.

I've tried to convince myself that he's not good for me. That because all he did was use me for his own personal gain (sexual favors), I should not even want to bother with him anymore. However, even though I am not oblivious to his actions; I want him. I really really want him. Even for one night. I really miss the way he held me (even when we were intoxicated). I miss the way he kissed me. I miss the way we would cuddle up close to each other and fall asleep. I miss all of that.

It's so hard pretending I don't care. Always putting up this facade, that people (him) don't mean anything to me. It's hard to pretend to hate him. To be angered by his 2am phone calls. I feel like if I give in to him when he calls me at 2am for a nights stay then I'm not strong, or I lack dignity. However, it's so hard to be alone all the time, thinking of what you used to have.

ahhh...I really need some advice. I can't talk to anyone about this because they are all biased.