Suffocated

Um... dear Journal?

I feel like I'm being suffocated. Suffocated by all the problems in my life. My friends won't understand, they probably won't care. Whenever I say something meaningful, I get knocked back with sarcasm. Whenever I ask for help, they brush it off! I feel a bit depressed and disappointed in them that they haven't noticed. I've drifted apart from them a little over the past half-year because of the fact that we're in different classes. There's two new people who've joined our group this year, and they are both very different from me and don't like me. I don't want to ask them to leave because I am certain it will backfire. So, I'm stuck sitting with two girls who annoy and frustrate me to no end.

Because no-one has noticed my sadness, I decided to socialise more with people in my class, and in the extra-curricular activities that I do. A couple of girls suggested I reduce the length of my skirt (i.e roll it up) and show my legs a bit, because they think I have nice legs. So I did, and found that I felt more confident. Since my skirt was extremely long beforehand, people kept calling me a nerd and telling me to roll my skirt up. When I did roll it up, the comments stopped, and people started telling me that it looked good, and that raised my self-esteem. I feel better with it rolled up, but my friends don't seem to understand that! They think I've turned into some kind of "SUPER-SLUT!", but I"m still the same! It's just that we don't see each other as often and they've forgotten me a little. I really want them to understand. If I have to wear the uniform, I want to at least feel good doing so, and rolling my skirt up helps me to feel much better! I can't express enough how much I want them to understand that I have NOT changed, I'm still me!! It's also a way of being an attention seeker. Lately, no-one seems to want to talk to me, so I wanted to give them a reason to. I'm a very social person, and very emotional. If I said that to my friends, they'd just scoff and laugh at me, but they don't know the actual side of me that is very touchy. I've been told by closer friends that I'm a complex person. I agree. I am pretty moody, and even the smallest comment can enrage me, make me depressed. I just try not to show that side of me because I want people to accept me. I've made a whole heap of bad choices when it comes to friends, and I got hurt quite a bit physically and mentally in Primary School because I was so sensitive and complex. I was the perfect target- fragile, timid and someone who won't talk about their problems to another person face-to-face. That's why I'm telling this to you, reader.

Another thing, is that I feel trapped in my body. I feel so... fat. I look at myself in the mirror and cringe at the sight of my clothes straining to contain my weight. I feel guilty about being a size 8, because I know I really should be a size 6. And that's ladies sizes! All my friends say I'm not, but I don't believe them. I'm not going to call them liars, because I know that they themselves believe what they're saying, it's just that I don't.

Reader? You can decide what you make of me