Life just confuses me. Oh, you too, huh?

I'm a teenager.

I'm freaking lost,
but thats just how it goes, right?

I've been thinking a lot lately and my feelings are just all messed up.

Here's how I see it:

Going to school and getting good grades is what every parent (or well, most) wants from their child.
They either do it cause
A)they want to or
B)they're goody and programmed obedient

or don't cause
A) they don't give a shit or
B) they try but can't and give up.

Well, I've been in the category of
"I'm-a-goody-two-shoes-and-programmed-obedient-so-I-have-to-get-good-grades-or-I'll-die."

Until recently, that is.

Here's the problem, I just finished my freshman year of high school with a 4.0.

yeahyeahyeah sounds peachy keen to a parent, right?
And some of you are probably like
"Oh, stop complaining. I'd kill to get grades like that."

But it's not all that wonderful. To me, it's actually down right worthless.

I had it in my mind that I wanted straight A's, brainwashed by teachers and parents that that's what I really wanted.

And so I worked. I worked my ass off all year for 7 of those fucking letters that start the alphabet.

And when I got ahold of that final report card, I felt nothing but disappointment. Disappointment that my initial reaction wasn't accomplishment or triumph.

I realized that that goal was worthless to me. An empty fucking "dream."

I never even cared about those grades. And I thought my parents would want them too but no. Disappointment once again that I couldn't even get the satisfaction that they were proud.

This has got me thinking further,

Valedictorian.
College.
Successful Career.

fucking Life.

Of all the things parents want from their children,
how many of them do I actually desire and importantly, NEED to live the life I want to live?

I understand, those things are great to have, for a great big successful job like the head of some giant corporate company, but what if that's not what I want?

What if I want to be the next Sarah Dope or Ryan Russell and tour with musicians?

yeah, that's my dream job...

I don't know...

maybe I'm just some naive teenager who doesn't know what the hell she's talking about.
or maybe I'm just a person who's sick of the fake shit and wants to really live before her time's up.

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