constantly falling forward.

I can't take this anymore. I'm so fucking confused and by the end of this I'm probably going to cry again.

1; why won't you just admit it? You hate me. I know you do. I know it. If you didn't, you would be there for me. You would talk to me. You'd tell me things like a normal fucking friend would. You're killing me with your lies. I can't stand it! "I could never hate you." bullfckingshit. Then you gossip to everyone else about how terrible I am. You know what, FUCK YOU. I don't need you, and you obviously only need me to shit on. Leave me alone.

2; I'm sorry I can't be like them. I'm sorry nothing I do relates to them. I'm sorry I cry over you because I know I love you more than all of them combined. I'm sorry you don't realize how much I care about you. I'm so very sorry I never feel like you love me back because I read your actions and signs point to you don't. Do you ever show your true feelings? I can't even tell anymore. I gave up trying. Because your leaving, and I bet I'm the last one on your list of people to miss. Just tell me you don't care about me so I can cry some more, eh?

3; I'm going to miss you. I admit it. I love you although I know you hate me so much. I know I've said I hate you too, but I don't. You were a big part of my life at a time, and I'll miss that. But you'll be back sooner or later, and hopefully...we can start over.

4; I can't help but feel guilty for having you. It feels unfair and makes me feel terrible. And although you told me, I'm still skeptical of your feelings. I feel ashamed for it, but it's true. I'm afraid to hold on, because I'm used to everyone letting go, or never grabbing on. It's never awkward, it's never nerve-racking, it's too...perfect. And I'm scared. Scared of the end. I feel like karma will somehow catch up with me and my life will explode without you. It sucks. Because I love you.

everything hurts so much.