2008.07.07

If anyone's read my other journals, then they would know I've been contemplating breaking up with my boyfriend, Josh.

Well, yesterday, he did it himself. Except we're calling it mutual.

So I've been single less than 24 hours and it's already driving me nuts.

I mean, I'm 1000 miles away on 'vacation' and I miss him like crazy. I didn't miss him before, and now I do.

I can't even remember what my logic was for wanting to break up with him... it all seems so pointless now. He still wants to be best friends... and I can do that. But when/if he gets another girlfriend, I don't think I'll be able to handle it. I don't think I'll be able to walk up to him, give him a hug, and not have to fight the urge to kiss him, too.

I'm going insane trying to imagine us being best friends, and nothing more.

He says we can get back together sometime, but he needs time to himself. I don't know what that means. I'm already ready to beg him to take me back, but I know I can't because he wants to be alone. But when he's ready to not be alone anymore, I don't want to be too late. =[

I took off the ring necklace he gave me last night and nearly cried as I thought to myself, "I can't wear this. It belongs where his heart is." I came to the realization that I don't have his heart anymore... but my chest is still empty because he still has mine.

I'm trying to act like I'm ok. No one's seen me cry. And i keep saying I'm ok, and I'm not mad at him and such. But it's killing me.

We knew each other a grand total of 2 months before we started dating, and we've been together for nearly 21 months. How can I just be his friend?

I honestly don't think I can.

I'm so incredibly confused.

I don't know what to do.

<3 steph