Love....

Only a few weeks ago, I would've done anything for it. Just to have a companion, someone that thoroughly loved me for everything that I was, to make my problems go away.

Man... you really have to be careful what you wish for. Little did I know how complicated love could be. How the situation I wanted is one so rare, putting myself out there like I did was almost a guaranteed heartbreak.

I fell in love. Puppy love it may have been, but it was a new kind of love that took me over. He was all I could think about, all I could talk about... he was my oxygen, and my days revolved around him. My entire life, the case has always been that I'd gawk from afar, never expecting any affection in return. No, things like that remained in my fantasies. But when the boy I loved actually showed some interest, gave me a hug, and then a kiss... the feeling was surreal. Indescribable. Every minute if every day I was on a euphoric cloud- every color was brighter, every taste was sweeter, every sound was more beautiful.

But what goes up must always come down.

Rarely in a relationship does one partner like the other just as much. At least, from my experience. In this situation I was the one completely infatuated while the other's feelings were mild, uncertain. I couldn't understand it, how my feelings were allowed to act this way when all that was going to happen was me being let down.

So I turned to one faithful friend, who is also my biggest foe... the razor.

Not long after this I found another guy. By this time, the roles had reversed. he had become obsessed with me and was truly in love, honestly believed we were going to last forever. I made him so happy, his world so much lighter, and I understood exactly how he felt. But this relationship made me understand another point of view... the one my man held in the last relationship. Now I knew what it was like to be with someone who loved you more than you liked them, and how hard it was. Every time I said I love you, the guilt built up inside. With every hug, every kiss, every word of affection came a bit of regret.

So along with the negative emotions from my relationship building up, my habits of self mutilation got worse. I was scared for myself, scared I wouldn't make it, and I knew the lying and self loathing had to end.

He cried when I told him, when I showed him my scars, when I told him we had to end.

I may not be in love with him, but I sure as hell love him like my own sibling. As much as it hurt me to see him so sad, I knew it had to end, not just for the sake of a relationship built on lies, but for my own well being.

Now I just need to stop.

So now I'm here, and I'm glad I could tell this story.
Comments are greatly appreciated, any words of advice would mean the world...