I'm trying to let you know just how much you mean to me.

I thought that it was about time I tried to put into words how immensely MCR saved my life. It’s gonna be tough, but I’m feeling inspired.

To start it off, they were a light when I needed it the most. They helped me get through some of the most awful struggles I’ve had to deal with. My granddad and my sister both died a few months apart from each other. This was about five years ago. Since then, my parents have been super clingy because they have only one child now. No parent should have to bury their child, and I understand that now, but no girl should have to bury her only sister either. I can understand why my parents don’t let me out of their sight, but they have no idea what it does to me.

Anyway, let’s cut to the chase here. For three years, I pretended to be someone I wasn’t. I was a girl who smiled every moment of my life. I was always laughing, sometimes uncontrollably. People who were depressed always dumped their shit on me because they saw me as the girl with no problems. Keep in mind, this was not who I am, and it hurt me to let my guard down, so I always had to be overly happy, to keep myself safe and guarded. But that’s when things started to happen that were not all that good. All throughout middle school, I met some pretty fucked up people. People who were cutting, drinking alcohol and people who were so depressed and contemplating suicide. These are struggles no 10-13 year old girl should have to deal with at such a young age. In a way, I lost my innocence way too early. Don’t worry, not in a sexual way, but I was exposed to some pretty scary shit. These people who had such terrible problems were my best friends. I helped them through everything, and I gave them all of myself. They took everything from me physically. I felt weak, and scared. A middle schooler shouldn’t have friends who come to her and cut, cry, drink, and threaten to kill themselves. I saved a lot of people’s lives, but no one could ever save mine.

Last summer, I met the guy of my dreams after having my friend almost attempt suicide. For a few months this made everything better. I could be my real self around him. I could tell him about my past, and cry about it with him. He loved me, and I loved him. I gave him my whole heart. But little did I know when things ended between us, he would take my heart with him. My heart could never be fully restored, he possessed it. I know breakups don’t sound that bad, but when they happen, you can sink so low. And that’s exactly what happened. I started gaining weight, my grades dropped from A’s to D’s, and I began to realize that I was alone. One of my better friends started going out with him [they’re still together to this day, mind you] I was heartbroken, and I became as depressed as I had ever been. He also would come to me and tell me that I was the only thing he lived for, but I could never tell him that I loved him back, because that would hurt my friend who was with him. Previously to My friend going out with him, she was severely hospitalized for three weeks due to depression. I couldn’t tell her that I loved him, because I knew that if he knew, he would leave her for me. He used to call me to tell met hat he loved me, and that was crazy cause he was dating her. Here is where it starts to suck. He joined the army because he said if he couldn’t have me, there was nothing worth living for. I tried to tell him that if he left for the army, his girlfriend would definitely kill herself. He was the only thing that mattered to her, and I was trying to protect her. I forgot about trying to care for myself and sunk into a huge ass depression. He was my first love, and I wasn’t used to dealing with stuff like that. To make it worse, he blamed everything on me. So I blamed it all on me. Him leaving, my sister’s death, my fucked up parents, the reason I had no friends… I was the reason for all of this. I cut throughout that whole year, and I still had my closest friends coming to me, threatening to kill themselves.

Anyway, you’re probably wondering where MCR comes into all of this. Well, I became dependent on their music, it kept me sane, but in the long run, it didn’t just me sane, it kept me alive. And it wasn’t because I felt like they knew me, it was because they inspired me. it was because they allowed me to keep on living. Uhh, this is the part that I can’t put into words. I guess it’s the fact that their music is like chicken soup. Many nights I would lie awake in bed, crying because I wanted to kill myself, and because everyone still thought I was the happy little girl, not the stupid depressed highschooler. So I would put in my headphones, plug in my iPod, and put “I’m not okay” on repeat, as loud as it would go, until I fell asleep. This is what kept me from running away. Why it did, I will never know. But it is truly amazing, how one group of people can mean more than anything I have had before…. That’s why the day I met Gerard, I went home and cried my eyes out. The way he puts things in his music, the lyrics, he has a way to make me feel understood, but have no idea why. I don’t even know what I’m getting out of their fucking music, I just know that it’s amazing and I can’t let go of it. No matter what I will always love them. Not because they’re hawt. Not because they can rock out. Not because I think I’m the shit for liking them. But because I matter to them. And I know the guys in the band aren’t out there like “oh, how’s Alex doing today?” But they do care about their fans. They have been through what I’ve been through. And they are such amazing people to spread that word through their music. I only wish my life was that fulfilling. I am practically in love with them. It’s a feeling I cannot describe. It’s is a terrible feeling, almost like a longing, but It saved me, and I can’t argue with that. I went through two months, every night with that song on repeat, and that kept me from jumping under a speeding train, off a bridge, or to take a knife, and I won’t go any further cause I’m not that gruesome. I used to think that cutting was a load of bullshit, till it happened to me. I haven’t cut for about four-five months, and I’m not planning on doing it ever again. I’m not gonna lie, I’m still not the person I used to be, but they’ve helped me through it all. When I thought it couldn’t get any worse, when I thought it had come to an end, they were always there to sing me to sleep. The helped me finally deal with being an only child, the helped me see that there were other fish in the sea, so not plan my whole life around a guy. They’ve helped me grow up, in so many ways. I feel like I can take on the world. If I fall down, they will always be there to help me get back up. I don’t always have to take people’s shit, especially if it is hurting me. I don’t think theses guys know how amazing they are, it’s indescribable. hmmm, this has been extremely hard for me to put into words, but I really hope I did them justice.

My Chemical Romance saved my fucking life, and I thank God every day that he made such kick-ass men on this earth to be my angels.

This is dedicated to MCR, and how they’ve saved millions others just like me.