how come love sucks?. pt 1

Ok. two days ago(monday) there was a small party at my house. i invited about ten people, and If youve read my other journals, the guy i like, i have dubbed him 'mello'. ive really liked him for over two years, I really like him. but there's someone else.

And i think that 'someone else'(now known as 'Matt') has a huge crush on me. And I really dont think its one of those affectionate friend type things.

theres also 'Vicky'. a girl i used to be friends with until she dated mell. And she knew i liked him. She has a thing for getting all over guys. once Mello got a ride home, Vicky seemed unbothered he was leaving and started literally hanging off Matt.

Now, heres the thing, I think I'm starting to like Matt, but i stll like Mello. All my friends have been literally nagging at me to go with Matt. they all hint, and I'm pretty sure they mean it to be subtle, but frankly...its totally obvious.

'Naomi'-chan, earlier, whe i had only had eyes for mello, told me his favourite food while he was in the room, and she wasnt quiet, then she says 'I'll give you the recipe because the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. since he was in the room i acted really clueless, pretending i had no idea what she meant. but I was so scared. i half thought she was trying to get his attention. i was so mad and embarrassed. Mello's known the whole time, i just keep tipping him off, even though i really dont mean to. I was so angry and upset i nearly ran from the room, and nearly started crying, good thing i didnt. I kept up the confused face.

'Misa'-chan and my twin onii-chan dont even bother hinting, and even though Misa says she'll support whoever i go with, she still obviously tries pushing me to Matt.

Onii-chan tells me to get over mello because hes a jerk. but she doesnt see him the way I do, none of them do, Onii-chans idea is that im wearing rose-color glasses, im 'beautifying something ugly, something unhealthy' but im not, he acts like a jerk in front of other people, but inside hes a really sweet guy. megs idea is that im 'innocent' and he cant help but see that. he can be really perverted, but he does censor it around me, he keeps the conversation clean when we talk, except for maybe one or two slip ups max.

He is really a nice guy, and since hold these party things every month, every time he leaves or i do, we hug. I just really wish they'd stop talking about him like that. Its not like im saying this because i like him, but because me and mello are good friends.

Mello tells me that its ok if i like him, i just have to tell him. im upset because we are friends but for one, im really ashamed that i like him, and two, i dont want to ruin our friendship, if i tell him it will just get awekward, and if it gets awekward, we could stop being friends. and three, ive been trying so hard the past two years to keep it a secret, and get over him on my own.
July 16th, 2008 at 04:11pm