Repress, Resent and Rehearse.

Valentine's Day '08

Hi Diary =]
I figured since I kept writing it'd be wise to date things, but that's just not how I roll. Today is the exception. So it's another valentine's day and I’m expecting nothing. Today was too long, as many days are and to make it worst I had to walk home, which I wouldn't have minded if my mom would have just called to tell me. Is a text too much? Well... I guess I have nothing against Valentine’s Day, secretly I love it. I love whoever made it up, because it's probably the most thoughtful holiday, next to Christmas. I can only imagine how psyched couples would be when Valentine’s Day comes around; the one day where they get to express their love for each other and it would be all sweet and cute. But yeah, for the majority of the world... this day is nothing to us and I’m okay with it being nothing, it's just, since it's labeled Valentine's Day, it just seems like it should be a bad day for me. I'm not exactly sure what I want this valentine. Or maybe I do... Well, I guess I kinda do want something this valentine. The thing that would make me the happiest person on Earth is if Lindsay would call me and remind me that she loved me. I wonder if she still does, 'cause you can never really tell with her. It's not like she's mean to me, it's just like she isn't all crazy about it like I am (It being talking to me), 'cause there is never a moment in the whole year where I am not looking forward to her. I guess it could be because of her lack of social skills that she prefers to just know I’m online, rather than talking non-stop, but you can't really blame me because her words are all that I have now. So as I was saying, I’d be the happiest person in the world, if Lindsay called me tonight. I know it won't happen anytime soon or possibly at all, but it's just so nice to think about. All day in class I was imagining it: what would happen if Lindsay called me during school? I figured when she called me I’d be absolutely embarrassed, but then after seeing her name on my screen, I’d just have to pick it up. And even with the teacher yelling at me I’d stay on the line to listen to her sweet voice, till she says "I Love You" and turn me into a blubbering blob. But I guess realistically Lindsay would never call me of her own free will and she would never tell me she loved me and even if all this happened I guess I’d just end up being sent to the office. I can just imagine myself walking down the halls crying and smiling like the idiot that I am, which would be followed by a psychiatric review from my counselor. So last night I finally figured out what the lyrics meant to the song 'Valentine' by the Get up Kids. 'Will you be my valentine, if I’m a world away?' This just gives my situation with Lindsay and that song a completely different meaning. I mean she use to love that song and she passed it on to me and I had my little obsession. Throughout that whole time we listened to it, only she knew what it meant. I completely missed out on its meaning and I’m sad about it, 'cause I would have totally mentioned it to her if I knew. But oh well, least I found out before Valentine’s Day this year. I don't know why that would make anything better at all: me home alone and Lindsay out with Johnny. It's so crazy how pathetic I am sometimes, like just a last week I started talking to Luke again... for completely stupid reasons. Valentine's Day was coming up and I guess my pathetic mind started talking to him by reflex, I mean what do I expect? Would it even matter if he asked me again? I mean I don't like him or anything, so am I really that desperate for affection? All in all, I think I'm screwed this valentine's day, so I thought ahead and got a bunch of homework and books and the bible to read and work on today, to keep myself from thinking about how much better things could be. My pants are wet (from snow...) and my stomach is rumbling, but all I want to think about is her. I wish her and John wouldn't have to spend today together, 'cause I’m going to miss her a lot today, just knowing that she's out with someone. But I guess it would be right to be happy for her, because she's happy, even if it's never going to be with me. Wow. That is so lame. All of this is pretty lame, but it's so real and important to me it seems big and not so much lame. I think I just might call the Youth Line today, since I have nothing better to do, but do I have anything better to do any days? I shouldn't let myself get into this whole Valentine’s Day business, 'cause I’m definitely starting to think about it now and it just sucks. But, there's nothing I can really do but attempt to distract my mind, although it really does have a mind of its own (if that makes any sense whatsoever) and I know it'll win and I’ll end up crying to some sad song all night. It's so true what Chu Hien said last Sunday, the most common thing to do with our hurts is to REPRESS, RESENT and REHEARSE them and these things only make that pain even worst. So I guess by just thinking about it and writing, but not resolving it through God, I’m really rehearsing the pain, like every time I think about Lindsay calling me or walking into church to surprise me. It's not the devil who tries to hurt me, but it's myself, because I let it happen: because I let my mind get carried away. I really do need to learn to put boundaries on what my mind can think about, but it really just doesn't listen to me. Stupid turd has a mind of its own and that mind's main focus is to frustrate me. So now I am off to do homework and to eat ice cream and drink hot chocolate in a foolish attempt to overcome my powerfully stupid grey matter. =]