My Beauty, My Beast

Hello again diary!
I feel really bored right now and I just realized today, that my eyes have gotten worst. This is really disgusting, because I’ve always said that out of all my senses, my eyesight was the best. I don't know, I don't feel like admitting it to myself right now, but I’m sure it’s gotten bad. Well I’m farsighted, if that makes it any better. I think sometimes I misinterpret my feelings and start mistaking boredom as emptiness. Well, I’m doing it right now. I know I am empty, because I don't have enough of God in my life right now, but now that I have nothing to cover it up with -no Lindsay to make it all better - I feel it... and I don't like it. It's so strange, how I could actually know that I’m lacking God and that I know how to fix this, but yet still be unmoved. What will it take for me to snap? It's like I’m asking God to show me a sign, no matter how terrible it comes and that is definitely, not a smart idea. I wish I could control myself better. To be able to do what I know is best for me, without my desires and pure laziness getting in the way of it all. I don't feel it right now, probably because I’m not having an interesting conversation with Lindsay. I don't feel the monster in me. The monster that is hopelessly and completely in love with her. That monster has rest tonight, but tomorrow, when the sun comes up and I’m lying alone in bed, I’ll wish she were there to watch the sunrise with me. To be able to hold her in my arms, run my fingers up her arms and onto her shoulder, feel the soft little hairs on her neck and brush the beautiful golden strands from her face. It's stirring. My desire has just stirred in its sleep and I have to stop before it wakes up and overcomes me, because when it does, no matter how wonderful a sensation it brings, pain always follows. I think the reason I’ve always appreciated my eyesight is because I want to see so many things, along with it being the most obviously useful sense. I want to see so much this world has to offer me, but sometimes I feel like I don't want to move on: I don't want to grow up. But I certainly know that one day I will move on and even if I feel scared or sad, a part of me will want to quite desperately. I want to be in control sometimes, but like my career choice, I don't think I want to have complete control over it. 'Cause I’ve figured out that I want to work for someone, definitely with people underneath me, but I generally want to work for someone else. I think this is because I think that I am secretly an incompetent person, with good reason of course. I guess all the times that I have failed in life have taught me to not completely depend on myself. Oh, and I’m scared. Scared to depend on myself, because my whole life I’ve depended on others to make the right decisions and so what if I don't? What if I screw up? If I depend on myself there will be no one to save me when I do, which is evitable really. Also, I believe my eyes are very important to me because I want to see Lindsay again. I don't know why I bother dreaming about it and thinking about it all the time, 'cause it's not going to happen because I’m just being delusional. But, I don't know. It makes me so happy to think about how it might go, when I see her: when she rushes up to me and I am just hopelessly awe struck. Lindsay might not be the most beautiful person in the world, but I can honestly say, that to me, she is the single most GORGEOUS human being on Earth. I don't even know what it is, because if it's her inner beauty then I just can't figure out what part (not to say that she is ugly inside). I do think she has a pretty inside thought. Lindsay always thinks the best about me, even when she doesn't. Like who could forgive what I did to her? I mean I wouldn't forgive me if I was her, but she didn't even delay it: she WELCOMED it and I love her for that. Although she might seem like just another piece of white trash (and I truly wish she was MY trash), Lindsay is more complex than anyone can imagine. Just everything about her is so strange, it's like she does it on purpose too, although part of the reason I love her is because she is truthful and naturally the way she is. It's like when you think you have her completely figured out, finally convinced that she's an absolutely terrible person, and she does something that completely surprises you and you fall right back in love with her. It's kind of funny how you know that one day you'll look back on something and regret it, because you finally realize that it was stupid and you can't imagine how you use to consider it important, yet you still can't make it not important to you at the time (confused?). Like although you know important things in your life right now won't be so important in ten years, but you still can't make yourself stop believing that it's important. But it's not like that with Lindsay. I bet most people have crushes on other people and know that they won't end up with their "significant other", but yet still go along with it. I know I will never end up with Lindsay, but I can't stop, because deep down in my retarded piece of grey matter, I believe I have a small chance of something -maybe not what I had in mind- but something, with her. It's quite possible I’m psychic, I mean when I grow up just a tad, I’ll start to find that she's not all that far away and I know you might be thinking that I’ll have forgotten her by then, but I don't believe that I will. I know it's possible this could be love blinding me, but I’m quite certain it's not, because she's the love of my life and at 15 years, and I truly think that is somewhat significant. The love of my life... it's suppose to be a romantic and beautiful thing, but not for me. Oh no, nothing ever works right for me, but I guess I’ve dealt with that by now. I wasn't quite sure why I refuse to date my diary, but now I think I’ve figured it out. My days are the same. There will hardly ever be a time in my mind when knowing a date, just for the fun of knowing it, will be important. Besides, I have and will carry all these thoughts in my head, so it doesn't matter when they get on the screen. So I close this entry just as I began it, empty... until she says goodnight and the beast awakes, then I will feel higher than the sky. Goodnight diary, thank you for taking my simply disturbing and naive words.