Age 75

Lindsay. There is truthfully no other name that is written all over my binders as much as yours (except my own) and yet I still refuse to tell the world. I know that whatever we have isn't as big to you as it is to me, but that's okay, 'cause I'm happy to have any part of you. I use to love telling myself that I could just totally cut you off any time I wanted, because I use to get along fine without you and that I'd learn to be fine if I left. BULLSHIT. I just realized how miserable I was before you and I know it's hard to believe 'cause I'm usually a positive person and all but before you I was lonely and terribly confused. My sexuality is a huge part of my identity, and as a person who is looking to figure myself out hiding it made my life hell. Everywhere I'd go and everyone I spoke: I had to distance myself from it all. Just to be able to say what I truly felt made a world of a difference to me and I was finally able to figure some things out. For well over a year you were my sunshine and I finally found what I had been looking for. Everything that I knew I felt, as a total bisexual, all geared towards you. You gave me energy and hope, but mostly, you gave me compassion. You are so utterly amazing though. Just being able to finally tell you and not have anything between us makes you my best friend in the whole wide world, since no one else knows everything. Words that I could never say you've already read and with all that I've invested in you, you are truly the most important person in my life. I've always thought I had a great memory, but I realized how I kind of zero out all the negative events that took place in the past and now that I finally acknowledge it I see just how completely thankful I should be, and am, to have you in my life right now. It's like life only gets better and although things can never be perfect, because a new problem always comes up, we really all need to be content in the moment. Conformity and rules are a waste of time and I wish I could just leave all behind. If I wasn't expected to go to school and all that, I think I would probably be exactly where I want to be in life. I wonder at what age kids start to realize just how screwed over they are: that being 4 was so much easier and how everything changed so quickly. I wonder when it is that obligation and conformity is, against our will, dumped all over us. I know that life doesn't work too well without conformity and rules but shouldn't it be up to us, this is supposed to be a free country? There's so much that I want out of life, because I truly understand just how amazing it can be, but in 60 years I know exactly what I would want to change looking back. In 60 years, when I am reminiscing, I know that I would miss my youth. I'm afraid of so many things. I'm afraid of losing hope, losing friends, being alone, losing love and growing up. This whole world is geared towards us, as in the youth. Every advertisement that plays and every show that comes on is meant for our eyes and when we get old, it's like we lose all of this attention and we have to fend for our own attention. Although I am afraid of that, I know that I could deal with it, but I think that the one thing that I will not be able to deal with is the fact that I wasted my life. When I am 75 I will look back on my youth and wish that I were young again. Not young because I want attention... young, so that I could spend another lifetime with you. I wish the world stopped for me. I wish I had no obligations and I that I didn't mean anything to anyone, because maybe then I could leave it all behind. I could leave it all behind to be with you. If that ever happened I could run away to find you, and even though you're far, my heart would find you in no time. Then, and only then, will I ever be content looking back upon my life, at 75.