Ugh, talking, talking, talking.

I have no idea what to call this journal entry. But, whatever, titles aren't as important as content. Lately, I've been feeling bad about some things. I told my parent's I am consideing going back to therapy, as I feel I am ready to tell a therapist the truth. I didn't really trust my last therapist so I didn't stay with her but a few weeks, and then I stopped going. I had to re-evalute myself, and that took about a year...when I went to therapy the first time I thought I'd love telling a complete and total stranger about my life, and what was going on inside my head. It was the perfect clean sleigh. But, I didn't know how much it takes out of you to sit in front of a stranger and tell them all the things you can't tell your friends or your parents, especially when your friends and family are so importnat to you. So I had to think, and think, and evaluate myself. I was always ready for help, but I wasn't ready to tell what I needed help with. Which, as you can see--is a set back.

I've been thinking about last summer a lot lately, last summer was the worst summer I think I've ever had. It was the first summer I noticed how low my self-esteem really was. It was the first summer i really experienced a huge liar and not just a small liar. It was a depressing summer, a confusing summer, a agressive summer. And so far this one is following in it's footsteps. Especially with the drama I had with my sister. I didn't even go to her wedding. But she has to learn she just can't treat me any kind of way. I made a revalation last night, in that revelation I realized my sister has lost me. Completely, she may not wanted to have, but she has. I don't think I can ever forgive her, for my life. She has hurt me, and she said she hated me basically. I don't know what I ever did to her, but she basically told me she hates me. I only love her because the Bible says I should love thy sister. Ugh, stupid book. I've been reading the book of Revelations a little, just because it talks about the Apocolypse. But that has nothing to do with anything.

But anyway, I think its about time I call someone, so I'll journal soon I suppose.
July 18th, 2008 at 03:13am